I Will Carry You

I have been following Angie Smith's blog for a while now and saw that she wrote a book about her experience losing her daughter. I really had no intention of reading it. That was before. Last week I decided to buy it and give it a try, wondering if I could take some words of wisdom from her book. Boy, did I ever! This is definitely a must read. Even if you have never been through something like this before, I think everyone can benefit from it. She even gives suggestions on how to respond/talk to someone who has lost a child. Just a warning, a lot of her book talks about the bible and her Christian beliefs, so just mentioning it in case anyone feels uncomfortable with that.

I want to include a few of my favorite quotes from the book...

"People constantly ask how it is that I am not angry with the Lord. My honest answer is that I have been angry, and I have been disappointed. What I have not been, and what I refuse to be, is disbelieving." -Angie Smith

"In this life we are going to be disappointed. We will be hurt. But there is great joy in the shadows if you know where to look." -Angie Smith

And my absolute favorite one needs a back story. Angie writes about when Jesus brought Lazarus back to life. His sister went to Jesus' feet, broke a bottle of perfume, let her hair down and wiped the perfume along his feet with her hair. "In other words, the God of the universe had chosen Mary to anoint the body of his precious Son...and she had no idea." Which brings me to my favorite quote...

"Whatever it is, a loss, a divorce, a death, a hurt, something you feel is out of your control, forgotten by the One who could make it right again-know this.

He has not forgotten.

He heard you call.

He may wait to come to you because He is withholding a blessing in order to give you a better one...

And as the glass shatters all around you and you grow dizzy from the intoxicating smell of pure love, get as close to His feet as you can.

And know this.

It was always meant to fall from your hands. And He is glorified in the shattering." -Angie Smith

I have been finding great comfort in words lately and am so glad I read this book. It's definitely a must read!

Happy Thursday my friends,

Grief, joy and a surprise

When you are sorrowful look again in your

heart, and you shall see that in truth you are

weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow,"

and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone

with you at your board, remember that the

other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between

your sorrow and your joy.

-Kahlil Gibran

I dance between grief and joy on a daily basis. It's a fine balance between the two. Just like my previous post about One Fine Wire, this is my greatest inner dilemma. I have to make a conscious effort to not slip back into my darkest days. The majority of the time I am making an effort to smile, to talk, to carry on like I would normally do. And other times, no effort is needed. I am back to my old self, making no conscious effort to do all the things that come naturally to people. I am happy, smiling, talking...and then I remember that it happened all on it's own. After that, I feel a sense of relief that one of these days, I will be able to do that 100% of the time, and not only 25%. It's something to look forward too.

Then, other times, I can't help but slip back to where I was at my lowest point. Some times it lasts a minute, other times it lasts an afternoon. Those are the times I can't talk to anyone, I can't be distracted by tv or the internet, but I am just. heartbreakingly. sad. And I can't do anything but accept it and wait until it passes. But my reasons for sadness have shifted. It's not about what happened anymore and grieving the loss, now it's grieving for what could have been, what I am missing out on. When I am alone I let that feeling wash over me until it passes. When I am around others, I simply just don't say a thing for fear of the sadness coming out. So I am silent until the moment passes on by.

Grief and joy must be inseparable because I play a game of balancing the two out.

I did something yesterday that brought me great joy....

Yes, that is my first (and probably only) tattoo! Weren't expecting that were you? Well neither was I. I never had a desire to have a tattoo. Not that I didn't like them, I just didn't feel like I needed or wanted one. But I felt it was something I wanted to do now, in sort of a remembrance way. It symbolizes my loss(es) and where I was in my life because I am forever changed. I will never regret it because I will never regret this experience. I've always loved angel wings, even before this all happened. I just feel peace when I look at them. I have a pair of earrings that I wanted this tattoo modeled after. And that's exactly what I did. Justin suggested right before I did it that maybe I could add a halo right above it. But in my mind, this is what I envisioned my tattoo to look like. Never did I imagine adding anything else. But I was scared of adding anything because I didn't want a huge tattoo that would overpower my foot. But now thinking about it, I think it may be a nice touch to add a halo. We will see. I go back to the tattoo place I got it at in a month so he can make sure it's healing like it's supposed to. And I figure if I want to add it then, then I will. But whether I do that or not, I still l.o.v.e it! It will forever be a part of me, which is exactly what I wanted.

One Fine Wire

I've mentioned in earlier posts how music moves me. I have music to fit every emotion I am feeling that day. If you ask me how I am doing, there are certain songs I can play for you and it can explain exactly to a 'T' how I am feeling, and I wouldn't have to utter a word. My taste in music is eclectic. My absolute favorite is anything acoustic, but love mostly everything.

Rewind a few weeks, when I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life, I was playing my music on my computer. And along came a song that felt like it was written for me. It's called One Fine Wire by Colbie Caillat. Now I'm sure when Miss Colbie wrote this song she wasn't writing about miscarriage. But either way, it spoke to me.

Looking forward

What does looking back accomplish? Is it just to remind us of the pain we endured and the tears we cried? Because maybe the pain and tears are reminders of that special something, the "what'if's", the "what could have beens." If we re-live the pain, that means we are not forgetting. Sometimes we are scared of looking forward, in fear we will forget why we cried in the first place. Looking forward means moving forward. Moving on with our lives. And that is just plain scary.

The one part of moving forward I have a problem with are the painful reminders of what could have been. I will forever hate Wednesdays because those were the days I was on to the next week. That meant one week was down and I was on to the next one. Pregnancy is a countdown, with all the special dates memorized in our heads. What sucks is when the pregnancy is no longer, what are you left with? Still, the special dates in your head.

So instead of looking forward to those painful reminders, I am looking forward towards other things. Even if they are little, they are distractions. And they are very welcome at this point.

Here they are:

-I got the go ahead to exercise again! I haven't done any form of exercise since February. Believe it or not, I am excited to start. I desperately need it. I love going to classes like BodyCombat and BodyPump, but for now, I will start slow and do the machines. Oh, and if I could look like the girl in the above picture, that would be an added bonus!

-Vacation! So far I only have one planned. Going to Kansas to see family. But I would like to do mini-vacays this summer. Maybe going camping, or to the Oregon Coast. I would love to go to Cali but not sure how realistic that is. I love Cali, especially southern Cali. If I could live there, I would jump at the chance in a heartbeat!

-Yardwork. Yeah, I know, that is no fun but our backyard/sideyard desperately needs some tender loving care. Actually, Justin does most of the yardwork, but I would love to see it done =) When it's all done, I would love to sit outside (when we buy a table) in the summer evenings. That has been my dream for the past couple summers, so we will see if it comes true this summer.

-Aviator sunglasses! Love them! Right now I only have one but plan on adding to my collection now. I bought my first pair in Mexico when we were on our honeymoon. They were $8 and I absolutely love them!

Just a few things I am looking forward too. I will add to my list in later posts.

Happy Wednesday (*sigh*) my friends,

Stop and smell the roses...or the lilies

This was my weekend off, and it always goes by so fast! It is starting to get warm here, so no more coats...yay! But that also means I need to start working out again =( We spent time with good friends a good chunk of the weekend. And on Saturday I went to a baby shower. If you would have asked me last week if I was going, I would have said "no way." But this week I was feeling a lot better (mentally) and I really do love going to showers, whether it be baby or bridal. So I decided to torture myself and go. No, not really, it actually was fine. There were tons of babies and little kids, but that didn't bother me. And I was with a group of my good friends so it was nice to chat with them. Plus there were some people I haven't seen in a while so it was nice catching up. Thankfully, no one asked the baby question to me. I had no response planned, so that might have been a disaster, but luckily it did not come up!

Today we started working on the backyard (which needs some TLC). I helped out a little, but since I'm not quite sure when I can be doing physical labor, I decided to not push myself. I go to my follow-up appointment next week, so I'm sure I'll get the OK then. I have tons of flower pots, so I decided to try planting flowers again. I tend to be a flower-killer, so we will see how this goes.

I also got the ball rolling on a few things coming up in my life that I'm excited about. I will post more about this later if it ends up going through. Nothing major, but definitely exciting!!

Happy Sunday my friends,

Monday ramblings

"When we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.


Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance."

-Grey's Anatomy

I got this from another blogger and couldn't believe how true it is. In the past week, I've felt so many emotions. I can be happy and then for the next few minutes I could be utterly, heartbreakingly sad. Then I'm back to being happy. Certain things can trigger it, but sometimes it's just out of the blue. So I soak up the times I am happy, because I know that can turn on a whim. "...It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change..." I think this is what I'm grieving the most right now. But I am also starting to appreciate the fact that I am changed. Every experience in life changes us, whether we like it or not. So I am going with the flow, and hope that I will turn out okay and in one peace at the end. That's all we can hope for some days.

Speaking of change, my laptop has a new home! (I know, this post is going to do a complete 180, just like my moods ; ) )

I got my trusty laptop a while back and set up shop at the kitchen bar. I don't know why I decided to make that my laptop's home, but I did. We have an office and Justin made that his own. Since I had my own laptop now, I had no need to use the office anymore. Well lately, I've been tired of sitting at the bar. I don't like people reading over my shoulder, and I felt every time Justin walked by, that's what he was doing! Even though he promised he wasn't. So this past weekend, on one of my good days, we made a little corner in the office my own. And i love it.

Happy Monday my friends,

Glimpses of happiness

Sometimes in your darkest days, life hands you a happiness pass. It may last for a split second, may last an hour. But every time, it’s unexpected and you’re not quite sure how long it will last. So you smile. And laugh. And your heart is full. Sometimes it’s so quick, you don’t have enough time to appreciate it. But when it lingers, you look up to the heavens and whisper “thank you.” Because you know it will soon go away, and you will soon slip back into your darkest hour.

Well my friends, I have been fortunate enough to receive my happiness pass quite a few times this past week. Some days are better then others. Doesn't really help that I have been moping around the house all week. I've been on lock down with my doggies during the day, and am thankful to have Justin home during lunches and after work. And just now, I heard the wonderful sound of rain outside. I love rain, especially on days like these. God must be giving me a break and doing the crying for me =)

My happiness pass honestly has been my doggies. They follow me around everywhere and will not let me be alone. And they are quite entertaining when I have watched all the TV I could possible watch (gasp! Did I just say that?!), and after I surfed the internet for hours, and wandered the house looking for something to do...they are there.

For now, my doggies (and Justin) are providing me all the company I need. I know that I will soon have to actually leave the house and talk to people again. And I will probably tell my story more times than I want to. But it's not a story I am ashamed of. Hurts, yes. But it's not a story I want to pack away. Because even if it lasted for a few months, it was a part of us, and for that I am grateful.

Happy Friday my friends,