Sunday, April 29, 2012


It's no secret I was a non stop worry wart during my pregnancy. It's pretty much a given that I would naturally worry after going through a year of miscarriages. So when I came home one day around 20 weeks and saw this tucked into the bottom of my mirror in the bathroom, my heart smiled. 

This isn't the original and as you can tell it's in sorry shape. It was so tiny and could easily be missed, but Justin had lovingly tucked it there for me. It was meant for me...Don't mind that it came from Panda Express ; )

I never touched it, certain it was my lucky charm. Always glancing it while passing by, or just staring at it while brushing my teeth. Then one day towards the end of my pregnancy, after the cleaners had come by the house, it was gone. The cleaning ladies had unknowingly thrown it out. I was heartbroken and certain this meant bad things for me. So Justin got on the internet and somehow made an exact copy of it, I would have never known it wasn't the original. So I tucked it back where it belonged on my mirror, where it has stayed for the past year. Just this past month however it found it's way into my drawer next to my deodorant. I'm afraid to throw it away, not realizing how one tiny little piece of paper could give me so much hope. 
After my year of miscarriages, this is my reward...

A perfect little man we call Landon. Sometimes I just look in awe at him and cry because I knew after so much heartbreak, this is what God had planned for me. That he had put hope into my heart and that tiny little thread of hope is what kept me on the path to Landon. 

Such a mushy post right? I can't help it...after he was born I have become nothing but a soft pile of love. Who knows why I went through what I went through. But I do know I am a better person and better mom because of it. I know I talk a lot about my miscarriages and the grief and suffering I endured, but I know full well that I stop and appreciate what I have every single second of the day because of them. My heart is full and my life belongs to a little boy now.

"Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls, the most massive characters are seared with scars." -Kahlil  Gibran

1 comment:

Mimi said...

I had two miscarriages (early), and grieved with my sister as she had a miscarriage and then a still birth at 35 weeks. Now that I have Sam, I feel very similar to you. I know most moms love their baby, but there is a part of me that wonders how much more moms who have lost a baby, love and appreciate just how much of a miracle our living children are. God has a plan for each of his children in heaven and on earth. Landon is one lucky boy to have a momma like you :)