Friday, May 21, 2010

To pass the time

When your recent life has been consumed by one thing, how do you possibly go about weaning yourself off of it, and find something new to focus on? The past 4-5 months or so have been pregnancy focused. I was either pregnant, scared my pregnancy was ending, or wading through the after effects of a pregnancy loss. I got the go ahead from my Dr. to try again after 1-3 months, whichever I preferred. I chose to wait the full three months to give my body (and mind) some time to heal. My poor body has been through a lot in the past 5 months (with 2 miscarriages), and I think it needs a rest for a bit.
So what to do?! I guess it's easy to say that getting on with my life would be a start. But how do you do that when a piece of your heart is gone and you are a changed person than before? Well my answer would be, not easily. But it gets better. It also helps that the sun is starting to shine and sunshine makes me a happier person all around. I still do the same things as before: I love to read, watch my reality shows on T.V., shop etc... But I also found some new things to occupy my time.

You all know I am taking up photography, and so far I am loving it. I knew absolutely nothing about taking pictures so it will be a long learning process. I play around with my camera, and read up on photography books and websites.

I got into exercising again. Day 1 is always the hardest, but once I go, I get into a routine and actually enjoy working out. It gives me more energy and clears my head too.

We will be taking two adventures, I'm excited! First we will be going to Kansas to visit family and then heading to the east coast! Justin is going to the east side for work training and I will be tagging along because I've never been that way. Washington D.C. will be somewhat close-by and hopefully we will be able to do some sight-seeing.

Things to look forward too. That's all I could ask for right now =)

Happy Friday my friends,

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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Two years ago today...

I married this man. The man who was crazy enough to marry me ; ) The guy who does anything he can to make me happy. Who supports me in everything I do. Who loves me in any way, shape, or form.

The guy who has been on a rollercoaster of a ride with me this past year, but I couldn't imagine going on it with anyone but him. The guy who goes to church with me, even though he particularly doesn't like it. Who wants nothing more than to see me happy.

Justin, I don't know how I got so lucky to be with you, but I thank God today (and every day) that I have you in my life. You do so much for me and I hope you know it does not go unnoticed.
Happy Anniversary hubby!


Saturday, May 15, 2010

B is for Benjamin's baby shower

Today was my very good friend's baby shower. She is due to deliver baby Benjamin in early June. It is so crazy to think in a month she will be holding a baby in her arms! Honestly, in our small group of friends, she was the last person I thought who would have a baby! But nonetheless, I am happy for her. With everything going on in my life, seeing her pregnant has been hard on me (I know, selfish right?!). But now that he is almost here, I am getting anxious and excited to meet him!! And I will be nothing but ecstatic when he is born!

At the baby shower, we ate lots of food and cake,
drank punch,
played games,
sat out in the gorgeous sun,
enjoyed life,
and celebrated this baby and soon-to-be new mommy.

And my friend Melissa and I discovered our new hidden talent is making diaper cakes! We made this diaper cake, and had so much fun doing it. It was both our first times attempting it. We enjoyed it so much we wanted to make more! People have been telling us how great it looks and that we should sell it. So now we have the itch to start our own business! If people want to pay us to make something we love doing, it's a win-win right?

Happy Saturday my friends,


Monday, May 10, 2010

Get to know our Fur-babies

I don't write too many posts dedicated to my animals, but I should write more considering how much of my heart they consume. They are my babies. My companions.
My love for animals can get a little out of control ; ) If I could have a huge house and an even bigger yard, I would have a shelter and welcome all animals. I cannot watch movies where they show animals being abused or abandoned (even animated ones), and don't get me started on the ASPCA commercials. I want to adopt every animal I see. I give regularly to ASPCA. And I have always, will always, love all animals unconditionally.

Brea. My baby girl! I can just eat up all 7 pounds of her! She is almost too cute for words and I was sad when she turned 1 last month because that meant she wasn't a puppy anymore =( There is just so much I want to tell you about her, I could talk about her for days. I could tell you that she's not much of a lap dog, but when she is a good deep sleep, she will let you hold and cuddle her.
Her hair is out of control and wild, she ALWAYS has bad hair days.
She adores her big brother Chase and follows him around everywhere. She is his shadow.
She has a cat fetish. She loves chasing them and chewing on their ears.
She likes toys, but always has to have the one Chase is playing with, no matter what toy it is.
When she is truly excited or scared, she wiggles her butt uncontrollably and gets low to the ground and spins in circles.
She jumps to try and get on our bed (which is extremely high), but can only jump enough to peek over the bed. When I am laying in bed all I can see is her little eyes bobbing up and down at the side of the bed.
She always starts watching me do my hair, then gets bored with it and runs off.
She's always at our feet when we cook dinner and when we sit down to eat, she hunts around the kitchen floor for any droppings.
She takes forever to eat her food because she is constantly distracted.
I can always find her sleeping cuddled up next to Chases's tummy.
She hates to be on her back, and loves to have her belly rubbed.
I could go on and on because there are too many things that define who she is. She is my fluff-ball and I love her dearly.

Chase. My heart smiles every time I look at him. He is the classic lab. Loves everyone and everything. When you look into his eyes all you will see is love. There is not a mean bone in his body. If he wasn't 70 lbs of pure love, he would probably let me hold and cuddle him all day long. If I were to tell you about Chase, I would tell you that his one passion in life is fetching a ball. He l-o-v-e-s playing ball and will play for hours on end if we let him. I'm pretty sure he wakes up every morning thinking about his ball and goes to bed dreaming of it.
He let's Brea cuddle up next to him and climb all over him.
He loves sleeping on a pillow.
He taught Brea how to bark when people are at the door.
He doesn't really notice the cats, he could care less about them!
He loves his crate, and would rather be crated then be left outside.
He hates smoke and doesn't like when we cook in the stove. He stays out of the kitchen then. If we burn something and he smells smoke, he starts shaking bad.
His tail is constantly wagging.
He will come up and put his head in your lap and stare up at you with his big sad eyes.
When Justin goes to bed and I stay up late on the computer or in another room, he follows me and sleeps close by.
He will devour a raw hide in no time, then follows Brea around while she chews on hers, hoping she will get tired of it so he could have it.
He loves walks.
He knows he is not allowed on any of the furniture and doesn't try to get on it. However, we do have one couch in our cougar room he knows he is allowed on and will jump up on it and cuddle up next to you.
The only cool trick we taught him was to shake hands and he does that really well.
He lets Brea come right up and steal a toy out of his mouth, then just gets up and gets another one.
He's on hyper alert around 5 when he knows Justin comes home and is on the look-out for when the garage door opens.
He's my buddy and just full of love.

Jackson. My "firstborn." He has been my companion for the past 6 years. Traveling back and forth with me between nursing school and home during the summers. Plus with all the moving I've done in the past 6 years, he has been by side the whole way. When I got him he was just a baby, his whole body could fit in one hand. Now almost 19 pounds later, I could tell you that Jackson loves food! He will eat anything and everything.
He loves to snuggle, but doesn't like to be petted for too long before he tries to nip at you.
He loves sleeping on every single piece of furniture we own and getting hair all over it. Thanks Jack.
Sometimes he goes up to Chase and rubs his head on his.
He lets Brea walk (literally) all over him and likes to play with her.
He has a million and one nicknames.
Half of his day is spent hanging out by his food bowl.
He constantly tries to sneak into our closet and lay all over our clothes.
He loves boxes and will try to lay in them, even if he doesn't fit.
Most the time he sleeps at our feet, and in the morning he tries to sneak up and lick my hands.
Sometimes I find him playing with the dogs toys.
He loves to lick plastic bags, much to our annoyance.
If he is hungry, he will meow until you feed him.
He loves chasing cat treats.
He used to try and play and chase the other cat, but now I think he's given up.
He's the Jack-attack and will always be my "first born."

Prissy. I was lucky enough to acquire her when I met Justin. She is Justin's cat but I think she secretly likes me more ; ) She just a bit bigger than Brea but definitely holds her own in this house. Everyone, including animals, knows not to mess with Prissy. If I could tell you about her I would tell you that she l-o-v-e-s to snuggle and will snuggle with you 24/7 if you let her.
She always sleeps on our bed at night.
If you look at her and just say her name she will always meow. Guaranteed.
She spends the majority of her day perched on a couch and looks outside. She loves looking outside.
She gets excited when she sees birds and makes really weird sounds.
She is the softest cat you will ever touch.
She gets scared really easily and runs away when we have company.
She will let you know when she's mad. She will growl to let you know she is not happy.
She doesn't necessarily care for the dogs.
She loves sitting on Justin's desk.
She also sometimes tries to sneak into our closet and hide amongst our clothes.
If she needs something, she will follow you and meow. Otherwise she pretty much does her own thing.
She sleeps ALL day long.
She somehow knows she is not allowed on our living room couch, and obeys that rule.
When I go to bed in the morning after work, she always jumps on the bed and sleeps next to me.
If you don't want to snuggle and push her away, she knows to not keep trying.
Her and our three other animals are our babies. And while I have been going through some hardships lately, I can count on my animals to help pull me out of my funk. I hope you enjoyed getting to know our loves.

Happy Monday my friends,


Friday, May 7, 2010


I'm not sad every minute of every day, I hope my blog doesn't come across as that. Blogging helps me feel better when I am having that downer day, or hour, and want to put what I'm feeling on paper. And honestly this has been one of the most trying experiences I've been through, so it may take me awhile to get back to 100%. But when I'm feeling good, everything's great. But when I'm feeling down and I'm around others, I try to put on my happy face. I really do try. No one likes a debbie downer all the time =) And I really don't mind if people ask me about how I'm doing or what I've been through. Honestly I'd rather talk about it then have people ignore what I've been through as if it didn't happen. Because it did.
Talking and writing about it has helped me tremendously. If people ask, I will tell. But I usually don't offer my heart up willingly. If I want to talk about how I'm feeling, I can't just strike up a conversation about it. But then again, I know people aren't mind readers.
The mind is a powerful thing. So powerful, that sometimes we think others should be able to read ours. And when they can’t, we are disappointed. Because actually talking about what we are feeling sometimes is too hard. Because saying the words may make it real. So we hope that our body language, our tone of voice, and our facial expressions, can express what we are thinking, so we don’t actually have to say the words out loud. The words that we keep going over and over in our heads. The words that will trigger crying, and emotions. So we plead to others with our eyes to please don’t make us say the words aloud. Please know what I am thinking. Please make things right. Please take the pain away.
Wouldn't it be so much easier sometimes if people could read our minds?! Only when we wanted them too though, as long as there is an on/off switch ; ) I think one of my friends read my mind the other day. I have a really good friend who lives on the east coast and whom I love dearly. We email time to time but haven't talked in a while since day to day living gets in our way. Last weekend, I wanted to tell her what happened, tell her the whole story, from beginning to end. I sat down at my computer to write her an email, got one line written , then sat and stared at the computer for about 5 minutes. At that moment I was just too exhausted to tell the story again. So I promised myself I would write it the next day. Well the next day after church I check my mail and what do I see? A letter. From this same friend I so dearly wanted to tell. I knew exactly what it was before I opened it and got a knot in my throat. She had read my blog and my story and she knew. So Alicia if you are reading this, thank you =) You have no idea how much you made my day!

Happy Friday my friends,


Sunday, May 2, 2010

I Will Carry You

I have been following Angie Smith's blog for a while now and saw that she wrote a book about her experience losing her daughter. I really had no intention of reading it. That was before. Last week I decided to buy it and give it a try, wondering if I could take some words of wisdom from her book. Boy, did I ever! This is definitely a must read. Even if you have never been through something like this before, I think everyone can benefit from it. She even gives suggestions on how to respond/talk to someone who has lost a child. Just a warning, a lot of her book talks about the bible and her Christian beliefs, so just mentioning it in case anyone feels uncomfortable with that.
I want to include a few of my favorite quotes from the book...

"People constantly ask how it is that I am not angry with the Lord. My honest answer is that I have been angry, and I have been disappointed. What I have not been, and what I refuse to be, is disbelieving." -Angie Smith

"In this life we are going to be disappointed. We will be hurt. But there is great joy in the shadows if you know where to look." -Angie Smith

And my absolute favorite one needs a back story. Angie writes about when Jesus brought Lazarus back to life. His sister went to Jesus' feet, broke a bottle of perfume, let her hair down and wiped the perfume along his feet with her hair. "In other words, the God of the universe had chosen Mary to anoint the body of his precious Son...and she had no idea." Which brings me to my favorite quote...
"Whatever it is, a loss, a divorce, a death, a hurt, something you feel is out of your control, forgotten by the One who could make it right again-know this.
He has not forgotten.
He heard you call.
He may wait to come to you because He is withholding a blessing in order to give you a better one...
And as the glass shatters all around you and you grow dizzy from the intoxicating smell of pure love, get as close to His feet as you can.
And know this.
It was always meant to fall from your hands. And He is glorified in the shattering." -Angie Smith

I have been finding great comfort in words lately and am so glad I read this book. It's definitely a must read!

Happy Thursday my friends,


Saturday, May 1, 2010

Grief, joy and a surprise

When you are sorrowful look again in your
heart, and you shall see that in truth you are
weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow,"
and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone
with you at your board, remember that the
other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between
your sorrow and your joy.

-Kahlil Gibran

I dance between grief and joy on a daily basis. It's a fine balance between the two. Just like my previous post about One Fine Wire, this is my greatest inner dilemma. I have to make a conscious effort to not slip back into my darkest days. The majority of the time I am making an effort to smile, to talk, to carry on like I would normally do. And other times, no effort is needed. I am back to my old self, making no conscious effort to do all the things that come naturally to people. I am happy, smiling, talking...and then I remember that it happened all on it's own. After that, I feel a sense of relief that one of these days, I will be able to do that 100% of the time, and not only 25%. It's something to look forward too.
Then, other times, I can't help but slip back to where I was at my lowest point. Some times it lasts a minute, other times it lasts an afternoon. Those are the times I can't talk to anyone, I can't be distracted by tv or the internet, but I am just. heartbreakingly. sad. And I can't do anything but accept it and wait until it passes. But my reasons for sadness have shifted. It's not about what happened anymore and grieving the loss, now it's grieving for what could have been, what I am missing out on. When I am alone I let that feeling wash over me until it passes. When I am around others, I simply just don't say a thing for fear of the sadness coming out. So I am silent until the moment passes on by.
Grief and joy must be inseparable because I play a game of balancing the two out.

I did something yesterday that brought me great joy....

Yes, that is my first (and probably only) tattoo! Weren't expecting that were you? Well neither was I. I never had a desire to have a tattoo. Not that I didn't like them, I just didn't feel like I needed or wanted one. But I felt it was something I wanted to do now, in sort of a remembrance way. It symbolizes my loss(es) and where I was in my life because I am forever changed. I will never regret it because I will never regret this experience. I've always loved angel wings, even before this all happened. I just feel peace when I look at them. I have a pair of earrings that I wanted this tattoo modeled after. And that's exactly what I did. Justin suggested right before I did it that maybe I could add a halo right above it. But in my mind, this is what I envisioned my tattoo to look like. Never did I imagine adding anything else. But I was scared of adding anything because I didn't want a huge tattoo that would overpower my foot. But now thinking about it, I think it may be a nice touch to add a halo. We will see. I go back to the tattoo place I got it at in a month so he can make sure it's healing like it's supposed to. And I figure if I want to add it then, then I will. But whether I do that or not, I still l.o.v.e it! It will forever be a part of me, which is exactly what I wanted.