Searching...and searching

There are many fun posts I have and want to write about, for example, about the photo contest Brea recently won! Or showing off my new Christmas presents I'm uber excited about. But everytime I sit down to blog about those fun things, my fingers take control and I start to write about the not so fun things in life. I guess my body recognizes blogging as a way to "let it all out" and it does feel very therapeutic for me. So I will not try to control it and let it happens when it needs to.
I was talking to someone the other day. Talking about everything that has happened this year. Obviously I have been grieving the losses, but now my grieving has turned to something else. Now I'm grieving over the "what could have been" and grieving the life I could be having now. Instead of celebrating another holiday with no baby in my arms, I am celebrating with empty arms, empty uterus, and a break in my heart. Months ago I was asking "why me?" and wondering why God wasn't answering my prayers. Now I have accepted the fact that this is not my journey to control. His plan for me is not something I cannot see, and I need to trust that he is in the driver's seat.
What I have concluded is that I am looking for answers. Just last year I didn't care about the answers, or even care enough to ask the questions. Not "why me?", but "who am I and what the heck does this all mean?" I know I will not fully get everything I am looking for, but I am content for now in the searching and discovering myself along the way.

"In this life we are going to be disappointed. We will be hurt. But there is great joy in the shadows if you know where to look." -Angie Smith.

I am not promising that when I am tested I will not stumble, but for this moment in time, I am content.

For now. I am content.

Happy Thursday,

2010, you can leave now

With 2010 coming to an end, I have been so busy with who knows what to even blog. I've been so busy, I was wrapping presents right before we left the house to go to our families houses. Ugh, what a horrible blogger I've been lately.
But what I'm excited about is for 2011. Not for anything in particular really, but mostly for 2010 to be gone. 2010 hasn't been fun. If you've been reading my blog you know what I'm talking about. Obviously the miscarriages have been the main events of this year. I rang in 2010 physically having a miscarriage. I wasn't out partying, yelling Happy New Year to everyone, or even working like I do on some New Years. I was living out the first of many nightmares. So needless to say, I'm welcoming 2011 with open arms!
2010 did provide us with a few positives I suppose. Justin and I took two great trips to Washington D.C. and to Kansas, where my family is. We became a foster home for doggies and that has enabled us to help the local animals in need. That in itself has brought me so much joy, along with the doggies of my own.
All in all 2010 was a memorable year. It brought about the worst in me and also showed me how much strength I have in me. It showed me how unfair life can be, and that I am not in control. Oh how hard it was to give up that control I thought I had!
 I've said this before and I'll say it again. I don't regret one thing I've been through. Doesn't make it any less easier or less hurtful. I truly believe every experience I have shapes me into exactly the person I'm supposed to be. Sometimes the person looking back at me in the mirror is someone I'm ashamed of. The bitter, resentful, angry person is not always nice to look at, but I'm human. And I will wear those faces at times. But the other times, well, those faces I'm proud of. The grown up, more compassionate, loving, self aware me.
I've kept this quote near and dear to my heart for quite some time now. And I love it more every day I read it...

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." 
-Marilyn Monroe


Happy Monday,

An award for little ol' me?!

I got another blog award, which I l-o-v-e because it makes me think someone out there reads my blog, and I'm not just writing words out into internet outerspace.
Thank you so much to Katharine over at Grow Baby Grow for this award!
Katharine and I just recently found each other's blog and I am love her cute blog. She is a fellow babyloss mama and part of a huge support system I have found. I'm excited to discover her blog and so should you! Go check out her very cute blog!

The rules of this award are:
1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award


I linked Katharine's blog above, again, go check it out =)

As for the five blogs I would like to pay it forward to...

1. Enjoying the Small Things Kelle is her name and she is fabulous! I don't know her personally but just follow her blog and I get excited every time she has a new post. She is a photographer and her images are just beautiful, she takes tons of pictures of her kids and shares them. Her writing is beautiful and her whole blog is just great! Can I say anymore good things about her?! ; )
2. Erin from Our Great Adventure. Erin is such a sweet person and a blogger friend who is now expecting a baby and blogging to tell about it!
3. Kelly  is another blogging friend who I absolutely adore. She is such a genuinely good person who I wish nothing but the best for!
4. Kandeeland is such a fun blog! I believe I found her site through one of Kelly's posts and have been following it ever since. She is a make-up artist who seems to travel non stop and is expecting another baby. Her whole blog is so fun, go check her out.
5. Last but not least is Melissa. She is a fellow baby loss mama and expecting a little girl. I love her blog because she is so honest and open, and she is the cutest pregnant girl I've ever seen!

Go check them out, I promise you will not be dissapointed!

Happy Friday,

Can I ask a huge favor?!

Ok, here comes yet another plug for animals in need =) But this holiday season I am just asking for one little thing...your votes! Animal rescue site is a site where all you have to do is click away to help animals in need. You can go to the site and click on the big purple button and with every click, sponsors donate food to animals in need. The site is also doing a Shelter challenge, now until Dec. 19th. If you can, please go to the tab on the right side that says Shelter challenge. From there, you can search a shelter and vote for them. I am recommending Mikey's Chance  in Washington state(don't forget the apostrophe), a local rescue organization who desperately needs the help. You can only vote once a day, but can keep going back everyday to vote. The winner gets a $2,000 grant, and there are also smaller amount winners.
It costs you nothing but just a minute of your time, and a click of the mouse.
And your reward? Well you may just help animals like this...

Happy Saturday,

My house just threw up Christmas part 1

It's the most wonderful time of the year indeed!! I wish it could be Christmas 24/7 365...I love it. So naturally I go crazy decorating. It was a two day process, but I love the end results. I won't post every single decoration I have, just my faves. Let me start off with this...

My custom made garland, made by me! I had little flimsy one the past years, but this year I wanted something more. I went to my new favorite hangout Hobby Lobby where everything was 50% off. I found already made ones but the only one I liked was $30 on sale and they only had one left. I would need at least 4! So I bought plain garland for $4 each and made it myself. You can't see the details too well, but I added some gold stuff I had leftover from last year, plus I bought things to add to it on sale for $1-2.

The red mesh I bought at another craft store here and absolutely am in love with it! It's so easy to decorate with, and I added it to my tree I will post about later.

My big old candy cane I got a few years back at a Christmas bazaar. Love it.

And my beloved nativity set. I feel so grown up owning one of these. We had one growing up, so it's just tradition to me to have one. And I was lucky enough to get a deal on it! The one we had growing up had animals in the scene, and this was the only set at the store that had animals in it. They were all out, but I convinced them to sell me the model one, which was in good condition. I'm so excited to be able to put it up year after year.

So that's only some of my beauties. I will finish up the rest in a later post.

Happy Tuesday,

Welcome snow!

We got dumped on Sunday night and all yesterday with snow. I wasn't looking forward to the snow, but once it was here, I got super excited! I love it when it's so thick and a winter wonderland outside. I have been sitting cozy in my house all day yesterday and today, but have to venture outside tonight for work. Not going to enjoy that. Nor will I enjoy when the snow melts and all we are left with is mushy brown snow. But until then, I will inhale and enjoy what I have in front of me.

When the snow is so white outside, and you open up all your blinds, the snow lights up your house with it's whiteness...that's what I love.

When you get all bundled up with your boots, coats, scarves, and gloves to venture outside, and the chilliness stings your cheeks a little bit. Then you come back inside with pink cheeks and the warmness in the house stings your cheeks once more...that's what I love.

When the snow is a blanket on all things bad and for just a day or two, you don't have to think about what lays underneath. You give yourself a pass to not think about "the have to's" and just pretend it doesn't exist...that's what I love.

When it's feels obligatory to eat warm soups, grilled cheeses, and drink hot cocoa...that's what I love.

When you put on your boots and hear the crunching sound you make on the snow...that's what I love.

And having a warm house with all the people I love inside of it...well that is just the icing on the cake.

Happy Tuesday,

Meet Tucker

Meet our new foster pup Tucker. Isn't he adorable? He really is a sweet dog and reminds me of a younger verson of our own lab Chase. It's like his younger brother. He's so photogenic too, the whole time I was taking pictures of him, he just stared at the camera. A natural!

Here's Tucker's story:
We actually found Tucker ourselves. I was recently a bridesmaid in a wedding and the weekend of the wedding is when we found him. We were on our way to our friend's house one night and this dog was running around at the entrance of a neighborhood. He definitely looked lost. We stopped to see if he had a tag (which he didn't) and checked to see if he had a microchip (he didn't). We figured he belonged in the neighborhood nearby, so we searched for an hour with no luck. I didn't want to leave him alone, but I also didn't want to take him if he lived there. He didn't even know us, but he stayed by our sides and even jumped in our car, I thought he had to belong to a family. Not knowing what to do, I called the lady at the shelter I foster for and asked her what to do. She said if it was her dog, she would appreciate if someone took in her dog instead of leaving it outside. So I did. We advertised for two weeks. I left my name at local shelters and vet clinics, I posted flyers in the neighborhood nearby where we found him, I posted an ad on Craigslist and checked Craigslist routinely, and I put an ad in the paper. Not one call. So we put him in the foster program.

Tucker loves to be around people and dogs.
He absolutely loves toys.
He isn't completely trained but he learns very quickly.
He is Chase's sidekick and identical twin.

He has a story. His past is unknown, his present is happy, and his future looks bright.

Happy Wednesday my friends,

The unknowns

I've been doing great. Unbelievably great in fact. I've been keeping myself busy. I've had this new found energy, not sure where it came from but it was very welcome. Maybe it's the fact that the holidays are near, and the holidays always lift my spirits. Maybe it's because I've felt good about myself caring for a foster doggie. Maybe it's because I've found some hobbies to keep me busy. Maybe it's God giving me strength. Maybe it's myself giving me strength. Whatever the reason, I've been good. It was bound to come crashing down I suppose. It's amazing what tiniest of things could be triggers for us to set us back into our darkest place. Today, it was my insurance. I have an appointment with an RE this coming Friday, and wanted to be prepared for it considering it's three hours away through the mountains. I called my insurance to see what exactly was covered and if I would need something to take before my appointment. I was then informed that my primary would only pay for diagnostics. After calling my secondary insurance, I learned they covered even less than my primary! They would cover nothing really in regards to fertility. Now I'm not saying I'm going to need treatment, hopefully I won't. But the possibility is there, and I like to be prepared. What if the only way for me to have a healthy pregnancy is to have some super expensive treatment I won't be able to afford out of pocket?! The endless amount of what-ifs came barging through my brain unwelcomed. Then all my strength and courage fell right off of me. And for the first time, I prayed for God to not straight up give me a baby, but to keep on giving me the strength to get through this.

This is hard. This is the hardest most difficult and draining thing I have ever had to go through in my life. This has single handedly showed me who my friends really are, tested our marriage, questioned my faith in God, questioned my faith in myself, and made me had to bare my soul to myself and to others. What it brought me was a closer relationship to Justin and to others, shown light on friends I really didn't want, and brought out a strength in myself I never knew I had. But sometimes that strength falters, and what I'm left with is someone who is downright scared. But it will get better, it has to.

Happy Monday,

Decor and halloween

I finally got my decorations up! In the past fall hasn't been my most favorite season so I had minimal decorations. After I put what few stuff I had up today, I felt I needed more. So my mom and I went off to Shopko because their fall decor was 60% off! I buy my Christmas ornaments and some decorations there because they are always on sale, and this season was no different. Things that were normally $40 were $9! What a steal! Here  comes picture overload...

Brea absolutely did not like her costume. She acted as though we were abusing her!

This is our friend's dog Dexter who we are watching while they are on their honeymoon. He had to have a hand me down from Chase because when we went to the store to buy him a costume, they already took down all the pet costumes! He rocked it though, he loved it.

Happy Monday!

Fall is here

I usually don't like fall. I love summer, love Christmastime, but fall...eh, not so much. But this year, I'm embracing it. Don't know what changed, but I'm loving the changing of the seasons. Maybe because I have some cute new leggings I want to show off, or maybe because I haven't been hitting the gym as often as I should and want to hide the extra pounds I've put on. Or maybe it's because fall means we are getting closer to Christmas. Whatever the reason, I'm loving it. Or maybe because I have been happy and have had things to look forward to...did I mention I'm loving it? =)
It's gradually been getting cooler here, slowly easing me into fall. It's been cool but sunny, the perfect combination. Tomorrow we will hopefully bring out our fall decorations and transform the house into a cozy, warm abode. Where I will bake, snuggle under blankets, drink hot chocolate, and stay out of the cold. Yes, fall is here.

Happy Friday,

Hope in a jar

So my promise to myself to be better at blogging has failed miserably. I find the times that I want to blog, I have no energy for it or nothing to say, and the times I have something to say, I don't have time to say it.
Our town just got something I am soooo thrilled about. We have a Sephora now! I'm so excited, but at the same time, I can see myself losing a lot of money there. I don't need anything there most of the times, but I can always find something to buy. I guess that's true with any store I go to =)
Last week when I went there, I was in line to check out and was perusing last minute buys. You know, the little knick knacks all the stores put right where you stand in line to tempt you to buy things you don't really need, but you are so bored standing in line, you browse and end up buying it. Well for me anyway. Right when I picked up this, I got a lump in my throat.



Forgive the huge picture. It says hope in a jar. Where there is hope there can be faith, where there is faith miracles can occur. I don't know why I almost started crying right then and there...I have been emotional lately. Anyway, I didn't need face cream, but I bought it anyway. With all I have been through, I have not lost hope. I have been sad, angry, frustrated, happy, anxious, fearful, impatient, exhausted, furious, hurt....but never without hope. The moment I lose hope will be a sad, sad day. I hope I never do because there will be such a finality to it when I do. But I don't forsee that happening.
And yes I will buy things because I like the packaging =)

Happy Wednesday,

Time to get off my butt

Time to get back to the real world I suppose. I spent all last week holed up in the house for the most part. Hopefully the worst is over with this miscarriage and I am on the tail end of it. Hopefully. My levels last week were 1,500 so I have to keep doing lab work until they are down to 0. A few weeks ago my levels were 20,000  so I was happy it dropped. Hopefully it continues to fall.
Time to get back to work. Time to get back to cleaning house. Time to get back to working out. Time to get back to living life. Plus, the wedding I am in is right around the corner! It crept up on me. Hopefully I will be able to squeeze myself into the bridesmaid dress, keeping my fingers crossed for that one.
I feel like I will be forever catching up on everything. Plus I haven't kept up on the blogs I regularly read. Some of them are pregnancy blogs, and I wasn't in the mood for that lately, so I avoided them. I've been neglecting my own blog as well, as I'm sure you have all noticed =)
And this past weekend Takia went to her forever home. Broke my heart. I was happy, but I also felt sad and panicky almost. The family she is going to is a great one, but it didn't change the fact that I would miss her. I felt like she was in a routine and doing so well, and I didn't want that disrupted. But I kept reminding myself that she will have all that with her new family.

I'm so glad she came into our lives. But I'm sure in due time, we will have another dog to take in and love on.

Happy Monday everyone,

I wish...

I wouldn't even know where to begin with all the wishes I have. I have the obvious ones...to carry a baby to term, for love, peace and happiness, health etc... But if I had oodles of money, I would give it all to charities. I'm not just saying that because that is the nice thing to do. I really would. A few years ago, I probably would not have said that. Heck, probably not even last year would I have thought such a thing. Here's what started it all...
Anyone who knows me knows that I am all for animal rights. I am a member of ASPCA and give regularly each month to the organization. They send me newsletters and stories of dogs and cats and what they have endured. I cannot bring myself to read stories of animal abuse, even if it does have a happy ending. In my heart I still felt that I wasn't doing enough. That is when we became a foster home for dogs. Well, a few days ago, I got something from Petco asking for money. I have received letters like this before. I feel a bit sad every time I throw something like that out, because I wish I could give to every organization in the world. But for some reason, I read this particular one. It was a few stories about seeing homeless people begging for money so they could feed their animals. I lost it halfway through reading it. From these people's experience in the letter with homeless families and their animals, an organization was formed with Petco to help feed the animals of homeless people so they wouldn't have to give up their beloved pets. I couldn't even imagine being homeless and having to give up my animals. I decided right then and there I would give to this organization. It then got me thinking how I wish I could give to every charity, but in reality, I cannot. I felt a pit in my stomach thinking how helpless I felt that I couldn't give to every charity I wanted to. There are probably endless numbers of charities out there, all for extremely good causes. My passion is animals. Other people's passion may be to raise awareness for a disease that has affected them directly. My heart sank thinking about all the sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, beloved grandparents, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, fiances, a good friend, nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters and countless other people are affected by a million different diseases, conditions, accidents or life altering situations that come their way. And all the charities and organizations formed to raise awareness, whether big or small, are limitless. Thinking about that made me feel helpless. I want to help them all. But realistically I don't have enough money. I wish I did.
But for now, I will continue to give to what I am so passionate about. And that is the animals. And hope in some small way, I am helping save someone's beloved animal, or helping them find a new forever family.
I wish I could help them all.

Happy Wednesday my friends,

Couch potato

I love the days when I am a hermit. I don't like the circumstances surrounding it, but nonetheless, I enjoy locking myself up at home. Seriously. I sit myself right on the couch because let's face it, no one wants to be doing anything while going through a miscarriage. And at this moment in time, I don't feel like writing another post about a miscarriage, so I will talk about other things. I'm sure no one is reading this blog anymore anyway since they have all been debbie-downer posts. I don't blame them.
Back to the couch potato thing. I'm not going to lie, I do this a lot. Thanks to my job, I have many weekdays where I don't work and get most of the whole day to myself. Some days I enjoy the quiet times, other times it's quite boring. This is the time where I catch up on my recorded TV shows. I really should use the time to clean the house, but I'd much rather be bumming around in my pajamas. And although I hate being sick, I do enjoy laying on the couch and having no responsibilities, because my only job at that time is to get better. So on the days I play couch potato and I'm perfectly fine, I feel a bit guilty. Because there are so many other things I could be doing that would be productive.
Sadly though, tomorrow I must get off the couch and venture outside. That is, if my body permits it. A family called me today that is interested in Takia, our foster dog. They would like to meet her. So tomorrow we have a scheduled meet and greet. I could let Justin just take her himself, but I would really like to be there. I feel very protective of her and want to meet her potential new owners. I'm not going to lie, I was sad for a second to think that she could be leaving us. I know the ultimate goal is adoption, that's the whole point we are doing this for, so she can find her forever family. But after taking care of her, she has become a part of our family, and I just want her to go to a great home. I'll let you all know how it goes.
I did take a picture of her but then I accidentally deleted it, thinking I had already uploaded it to my computer when in reality I hadn't yet. And since I'm being lazy today, it's not happening today either =) Back to doing nothing,

Happy Monday my friends,

The post I always hate writing

I seem to write many of these posts...my worst fears were confirmed, there is no longer a heartbeat and now I just wait to miscarry. I've known this since the beginning of the week, but have had no desire to blog. I think my body hates me. It won't do the job it was naturally born to do, but now that I want it to be over with, it doesn't seem to be doing that either. I do have some meds to help kickstart if I decide to, that's always an option. I grieved a long time ago and I'm surprisingly doing good. What always seems to be a kick in the stomach and takes me back down a notch are those constant reminders that everyone else has what I can't seem to achieve. The many pregnancy announcements on facebook, the pregnant women everywhere, the moms and newborn babies that seem to follow me are all reminders. I know it's not their fault, and I don't know their story. But that still doesn't take away the fact that this all sucks. I'm really good at masking my feelings and putting a smile on my face in public. It's a conscious effort at times to smile and talk about who won Dancing with the stars. Other times I don't have to pretend. I'm just doing what I can to move on.
I know that it'll happen when it's supposed to, I get that a lot. I'm kind of getting tired of hearing it. I know that. I know that it is in God's hands. But after three of these in a row, I think I have a teeny right to be bitter and resentful. I can't always be sunshine and rainbows. I really don't want to be a bitter and cynical person about something that is supposed to be happy and exciting.
They say you the only way to go from rock bottom is up. My biggest fear is that I will continually stay in my darkest hour. I don't think about long term. I just think about day to day, and week to week. I remember the weeks following my second miscarriage back in the spring. I remember thinking how I will never be happy again. I was scared that it was going to consume my mind 24/7. Well after a while, life went on. I no longer despised wednesdays or thought about it as often. It gets better, it will get better.

Happy Friday my friends,

Pity party, won't you join me?

Woe is me. Yes, I am throwing myself a pity party. I think I have been handling the past few weeks great, all things considering. But there are those days when you can't help but feel sorry for yourself. Today is that day. With my ultrasound a week away, I'm getting nervous. I know what the outcome is going to be. I have a gut feeling that the results will not be in my favor. My body and my gut are telling me this. I am preparing for the worst, but no matter how much I prepare, it's still going to suck to get that final confirmation. To be laying in the ultrasound room, and see yet again, a still image...nothing prepares you for that. Even if I am fully expecting to see bad news, it's still a knife in the heart. And just thinking about that day and what is to come after that makes me exhausted thinking about it. It physically exhausts me. It saddens me and scares me at the same time, to think I can never be excited about a future pregnancy. My excitement will be overpowered by fear and worry. I don't care how many times people tell me to try and relax, don't worry so much...it won't happen. Because I will worry, I will be fearful, I will be scared sh!tless every time I go to the bathroom, I will worry myself sick getting my blood drawn, and I will hate getting an ultrasound. And it angers me to think that I will be feeling those things instead of excitement and happiness. It angers me that yet again I will have to tell the few people I told, the bad news and have to deal with them not knowing what to say to me. It angers me that my body will not do what it is supposed to do. A lot of things anger me as you can see.

They say out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls...I am feeling the furthest from strong now.
Pity party over,

Happy Tuesday my friends,

Takia

I have been a bad foster mommy, I haven't yet took one picture of our new foster dog! I know, bad me. I would take one now and post it but she just had surgery and honestly she looks a bit scary, so I will wait until she's all healed up.
Foster dog #2 is Takia. She is an 8 month half sharpe, half rottweiler female. She came to us because her current family lived in a small apartment and could not adequately take care of her, so they had to surrender her. I was also told she is for the most part potty trained...yeah, she was definitely NOT potty trained. When we first got her she literally peed like every 4 minutes. After the first day, I felt like something was wrong with her medically. I understand some dogs are nervous in new surroundings, but this was ridiculous! Her eyes were also pretty swollen to where she would walk into us and things because she couldn't open her eyes all the way. So off we went to the vet and sure enough she had a bladder infection. They also thought she had something called entropia (I think that's how it's spelled). I guess it is common in the sharpe breed, to where the extra fat around the eyes irritate her corneas and the swelling gets out of control. She was scheduled to be fixed so while she was under they went ahead and did surgery around her eyes, taking out the extra fat around the eyes. So here we are a week out of surgery and she is doing pretty good. She has sutures all around both eyes that need to be taken out, but that is why she looks scary, due to the white sutures all around. Her right eye looks great, but her left eye looks like it may start swelling again. She can open it at least, but doesn't get as wide as the right one. Either way, she has not walked into walls our us since her surgery, so, so far so good! Other than that, we have had to completely potty train her and also crate train her. She's such a loving dog and loves to be loved on. She gets along so well with our other dogs, and she is intrigued by the cats.
I have to admit, I liked having my two well behaved potty trained dogs. I wasn't really wanting to start all over with another puppy with potty training and basic command training. But it's all worth it when I think about where she would be if she wasn't here. She deserves to be happy and have oodles of love thrown her way. I hope she finds a loving family to call hers very soon, and until she does, she will be a part of ours.
P.S. I will post a picture when her sutures come out.

Happy Friday my friends,

Rollercoaster of a life

I'm stopping by to give a quick update and to let you all know what a rollercoaster I've been on (in cliffnotes version)! I did end up going to Vegas and having a wonderful time. The morning I left for Vegas I went and had an u/s, followup bloodwork, and a meeting with the doc. My body was still telling me a m/c was imminent but had no full on bleeding. The u/s showed a sac and that was it. So the Dr. prepared me for the worst. But the week before I had already known and had grieved already. At that point, as sad as it sounds, I was just waiting for it to happen already. So off to Vegas I went armed with medications from the Dr. for different case scenarios. A few days later after spending the day out by the pool I got a call and they said my hcg level was 20,000. What?! It was 7,000 last time. I was just waiting for the numbers to go down. So they said they wanted another u/s and followup this week. Yesterday I went in for another u/s (it was 6 days from the last). I told the tech that the Dr. thought I had a blighted ovum but my numbers increased. Then she said "well it doesn't look like a blighted ovum, it looks like a pregnancy." Apparently, in the week from my last u/s, there was a fetal pole, yolk sac and a slow itty bitty heart beat. By u/s I measure 6 weeks 1 day, but by dates I should be 7 weeks. Since I don't chart or know when I ovulate, they said it could be off by weeks. The heartbeat was slow but they said if in fact the heart just started beating, it's slow at first then picks up. I was definitely not expecting that! I am most definitely not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot. The tech said it could very well be that the heart just started beating, or it could be going to the other way and slowing down. It's a 50/50 shot.
I don't even know how to describe what I felt. It was almost a numbing feeling. I had already grieved. My expectations were so very low. It's hard to get excited when my body feels the complete opposite. I am still spotting and still have cramps on and off. Still have a backache on and off. I am having so many mixed signals thrown at me, it's hard to even try to be excited.
So for now I wait. Story of my life! I have another u/s in a few weeks. I want to be optimistic, but I am still preparing myself for miscarriage. I still feel that this will end badly. I am preparing for the worst because that's all I've known. It's a comfortable but horrible place to be. I know this feeling well, and can't imagine what being on the other side feels like because I've never been there. So again, for now I wait. And see. It's not in my hands.

Happy Wednesday my friends,

Yet another one *sigh*

Sorry I have been M.I.A from my blog for a while. I just really dreaded writing this post, so I procrastinated as long as I could. I believe I am going to go through my third miscarriage. It's very exhausting to be writing this yet again!
I found out at the beginning of last week (almost two weeks ago I believe) that I was pregnant. Had my betas done last week. My first one was 421 and then my second one (four days later) was 4,006. Definitely a good rise. So I decided to do no more blood draws since they are so freaking stressful to me! The nurse agreed that was fine and we made an appointment for my first ultrasound. Everything was going great, was actually "feeling" pregnant. Well than lo and behold at work early Thursday morning I had spotting. Then the cramps came. Then the backache came. All in a few hours of each other. I was only like 5w3d I think. I can't even describe what it felt like. But it was all too familiar. I went home and went to bed, wanting to just sleep as long as I could. I knew what was happening. Unfortunately, my body is predictable in that way. Oddly enough, the actual Dr. called me later that day to check up. Before I talked to him, I decided I wasn't even going to call the Dr.'s office until the following week, since they could do nothing for me anyway. When I told him what happened earlier that day, he offered for me to come in that day for an ultrasound. I didn't want to do that since I know what they would find. So he suggested I get my labs drawn again. I agreed to that. They came back at only 7,000, which is so way below what it should be. It confirmed my suspicions. My progesterone was fine, actually it had gone up. Well when the nurse called later she said the Dr. said my labs look reassuring and that he thinks I should come in a for an ultrasound and meet with his next week. I said "really? He thinks my labs are fine?" I was confused, and thinking maybe he had me mixed up with someone else. So I agreed to the ultrasound and meeting with him next week. And so far, nothing has happened. No more cramps even. The past few days they have been on and off. Now the next few sentences I am going to say may sound selfish. I am supposed to be going to Vegas this Wednesday for a bachelorette party. I have been looking forward to this all year. Well when I found out I was pregnant, I decided I wasn't going to go since I didn't want to risk anything, and I was content with my decision because I was so happy to be pregnant. Well now since I know my body is going to fail me, I just want it to hurry up and get it over with. I hate this waiting and see. I also think Vegas would be a nice escape. Don't get me wrong, I would much rather be pregnant than go to Vegas, but since I can't be pregnant, can't I at least have Vegas?!
So for now, I am just in the wait and see mode. Apparently my body is going to drag this out for as long as possible. Just when I couldn't get any lower, my body is going to give me one last kick to remind me who is in charge. Great.

Happy Sunday my friends,

Let's talk about lipgloss

One thing I can't leave the house without is lipgloss. Not chapstick or lipstick, but gloss. I love how it slides on your lips and tastes yummy. I have probably three in my purse, a couple more in my workbag, and a few others laying around. When I go to work, I put pens in one pocket, and lipgloss in the other. Do you get the picture now?! Ha, I love it. And not any old kind, but the super-you can see your reflection in your lips kind. My all time favorite (and go to) are from Victoria's Secret. They are super shiny and taste good!





This one is my newest discovery. It's also from Victoria's Secret (not exactly in this color).
Can you tell I love Victoria's Secret?!

Now on to the fails. With finding your favorites, you need to try some not so good ones. Being on my all natural kick recently, I tried the lipgloss from Burts Bees:



It was alright. The shine wasn't bad, but it had a funny aftertaste whenever you licked your lips. I still have it in my workbag, hopefully it will grow on me after a while =)

This one is an ultimate fail however:



It's made from carrots. Umm, I almost puked in my mouth after I put it on. Not so yummy. And the shine wasn't that great. Just say no to carrots, yuck!

Oh, and believe it or not, can you guess what gives a great shine? I use this when at home or right before I put on my lipgloss. Can you guess it?

Vaseline!

Yes, it gives a great shine and it's cheap!
What's your favorite lipgloss?

Happy Saturday my friends,