Saturday, October 30, 2010

Fall is here

I usually don't like fall. I love summer, love Christmastime, but, not so much. But this year, I'm embracing it. Don't know what changed, but I'm loving the changing of the seasons. Maybe because I have some cute new leggings I want to show off, or maybe because I haven't been hitting the gym as often as I should and want to hide the extra pounds I've put on. Or maybe it's because fall means we are getting closer to Christmas. Whatever the reason, I'm loving it. Or maybe because I have been happy and have had things to look forward to...did I mention I'm loving it? =)
It's gradually been getting cooler here, slowly easing me into fall. It's been cool but sunny, the perfect combination. Tomorrow we will hopefully bring out our fall decorations and transform the house into a cozy, warm abode. Where I will bake, snuggle under blankets, drink hot chocolate, and stay out of the cold. Yes, fall is here.

Happy Friday,


Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Hope in a jar

So my promise to myself to be better at blogging has failed miserably. I find the times that I want to blog, I have no energy for it or nothing to say, and the times I have something to say, I don't have time to say it.
Our town just got something I am soooo thrilled about. We have a Sephora now! I'm so excited, but at the same time, I can see myself losing a lot of money there. I don't need anything there most of the times, but I can always find something to buy. I guess that's true with any store I go to =)
Last week when I went there, I was in line to check out and was perusing last minute buys. You know, the little knick knacks all the stores put right where you stand in line to tempt you to buy things you don't really need, but you are so bored standing in line, you browse and end up buying it. Well for me anyway. Right when I picked up this, I got a lump in my throat.

Forgive the huge picture. It says hope in a jar. Where there is hope there can be faith, where there is faith miracles can occur. I don't know why I almost started crying right then and there...I have been emotional lately. Anyway, I didn't need face cream, but I bought it anyway. With all I have been through, I have not lost hope. I have been sad, angry, frustrated, happy, anxious, fearful, impatient, exhausted, furious, hurt....but never without hope. The moment I lose hope will be a sad, sad day. I hope I never do because there will be such a finality to it when I do. But I don't forsee that happening.
And yes I will buy things because I like the packaging =)

Happy Wednesday,

Monday, October 11, 2010

Time to get off my butt

Time to get back to the real world I suppose. I spent all last week holed up in the house for the most part. Hopefully the worst is over with this miscarriage and I am on the tail end of it. Hopefully. My levels last week were 1,500 so I have to keep doing lab work until they are down to 0. A few weeks ago my levels were 20,000  so I was happy it dropped. Hopefully it continues to fall.
Time to get back to work. Time to get back to cleaning house. Time to get back to working out. Time to get back to living life. Plus, the wedding I am in is right around the corner! It crept up on me. Hopefully I will be able to squeeze myself into the bridesmaid dress, keeping my fingers crossed for that one.
I feel like I will be forever catching up on everything. Plus I haven't kept up on the blogs I regularly read. Some of them are pregnancy blogs, and I wasn't in the mood for that lately, so I avoided them. I've been neglecting my own blog as well, as I'm sure you have all noticed =)
And this past weekend Takia went to her forever home. Broke my heart. I was happy, but I also felt sad and panicky almost. The family she is going to is a great one, but it didn't change the fact that I would miss her. I felt like she was in a routine and doing so well, and I didn't want that disrupted. But I kept reminding myself that she will have all that with her new family.

I'm so glad she came into our lives. But I'm sure in due time, we will have another dog to take in and love on.

Happy Monday everyone,


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

I wish...

I wouldn't even know where to begin with all the wishes I have. I have the obvious carry a baby to term, for love, peace and happiness, health etc... But if I had oodles of money, I would give it all to charities. I'm not just saying that because that is the nice thing to do. I really would. A few years ago, I probably would not have said that. Heck, probably not even last year would I have thought such a thing. Here's what started it all...
Anyone who knows me knows that I am all for animal rights. I am a member of ASPCA and give regularly each month to the organization. They send me newsletters and stories of dogs and cats and what they have endured. I cannot bring myself to read stories of animal abuse, even if it does have a happy ending. In my heart I still felt that I wasn't doing enough. That is when we became a foster home for dogs. Well, a few days ago, I got something from Petco asking for money. I have received letters like this before. I feel a bit sad every time I throw something like that out, because I wish I could give to every organization in the world. But for some reason, I read this particular one. It was a few stories about seeing homeless people begging for money so they could feed their animals. I lost it halfway through reading it. From these people's experience in the letter with homeless families and their animals, an organization was formed with Petco to help feed the animals of homeless people so they wouldn't have to give up their beloved pets. I couldn't even imagine being homeless and having to give up my animals. I decided right then and there I would give to this organization. It then got me thinking how I wish I could give to every charity, but in reality, I cannot. I felt a pit in my stomach thinking how helpless I felt that I couldn't give to every charity I wanted to. There are probably endless numbers of charities out there, all for extremely good causes. My passion is animals. Other people's passion may be to raise awareness for a disease that has affected them directly. My heart sank thinking about all the sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, aunts, uncles, beloved grandparents, husbands, wives, boyfriends, girlfriends, fiances, a good friend, nieces, nephews, brothers, sisters and countless other people are affected by a million different diseases, conditions, accidents or life altering situations that come their way. And all the charities and organizations formed to raise awareness, whether big or small, are limitless. Thinking about that made me feel helpless. I want to help them all. But realistically I don't have enough money. I wish I did.
But for now, I will continue to give to what I am so passionate about. And that is the animals. And hope in some small way, I am helping save someone's beloved animal, or helping them find a new forever family.
I wish I could help them all.

Happy Wednesday my friends,

Monday, October 4, 2010

Couch potato

I love the days when I am a hermit. I don't like the circumstances surrounding it, but nonetheless, I enjoy locking myself up at home. Seriously. I sit myself right on the couch because let's face it, no one wants to be doing anything while going through a miscarriage. And at this moment in time, I don't feel like writing another post about a miscarriage, so I will talk about other things. I'm sure no one is reading this blog anymore anyway since they have all been debbie-downer posts. I don't blame them.
Back to the couch potato thing. I'm not going to lie, I do this a lot. Thanks to my job, I have many weekdays where I don't work and get most of the whole day to myself. Some days I enjoy the quiet times, other times it's quite boring. This is the time where I catch up on my recorded TV shows. I really should use the time to clean the house, but I'd much rather be bumming around in my pajamas. And although I hate being sick, I do enjoy laying on the couch and having no responsibilities, because my only job at that time is to get better. So on the days I play couch potato and I'm perfectly fine, I feel a bit guilty. Because there are so many other things I could be doing that would be productive.
Sadly though, tomorrow I must get off the couch and venture outside. That is, if my body permits it. A family called me today that is interested in Takia, our foster dog. They would like to meet her. So tomorrow we have a scheduled meet and greet. I could let Justin just take her himself, but I would really like to be there. I feel very protective of her and want to meet her potential new owners. I'm not going to lie, I was sad for a second to think that she could be leaving us. I know the ultimate goal is adoption, that's the whole point we are doing this for, so she can find her forever family. But after taking care of her, she has become a part of our family, and I just want her to go to a great home. I'll let you all know how it goes.
I did take a picture of her but then I accidentally deleted it, thinking I had already uploaded it to my computer when in reality I hadn't yet. And since I'm being lazy today, it's not happening today either =) Back to doing nothing,

Happy Monday my friends,

Friday, October 1, 2010

The post I always hate writing

I seem to write many of these worst fears were confirmed, there is no longer a heartbeat and now I just wait to miscarry. I've known this since the beginning of the week, but have had no desire to blog. I think my body hates me. It won't do the job it was naturally born to do, but now that I want it to be over with, it doesn't seem to be doing that either. I do have some meds to help kickstart if I decide to, that's always an option. I grieved a long time ago and I'm surprisingly doing good. What always seems to be a kick in the stomach and takes me back down a notch are those constant reminders that everyone else has what I can't seem to achieve. The many pregnancy announcements on facebook, the pregnant women everywhere, the moms and newborn babies that seem to follow me are all reminders. I know it's not their fault, and I don't know their story. But that still doesn't take away the fact that this all sucks. I'm really good at masking my feelings and putting a smile on my face in public. It's a conscious effort at times to smile and talk about who won Dancing with the stars. Other times I don't have to pretend. I'm just doing what I can to move on.
I know that it'll happen when it's supposed to, I get that a lot. I'm kind of getting tired of hearing it. I know that. I know that it is in God's hands. But after three of these in a row, I think I have a teeny right to be bitter and resentful. I can't always be sunshine and rainbows. I really don't want to be a bitter and cynical person about something that is supposed to be happy and exciting.
They say you the only way to go from rock bottom is up. My biggest fear is that I will continually stay in my darkest hour. I don't think about long term. I just think about day to day, and week to week. I remember the weeks following my second miscarriage back in the spring. I remember thinking how I will never be happy again. I was scared that it was going to consume my mind 24/7. Well after a while, life went on. I no longer despised wednesdays or thought about it as often. It gets better, it will get better.

Happy Friday my friends,