Searching...and searching

There are many fun posts I have and want to write about, for example, about the photo contest Brea recently won! Or showing off my new Christmas presents I'm uber excited about. But everytime I sit down to blog about those fun things, my fingers take control and I start to write about the not so fun things in life. I guess my body recognizes blogging as a way to "let it all out" and it does feel very therapeutic for me. So I will not try to control it and let it happens when it needs to.
I was talking to someone the other day. Talking about everything that has happened this year. Obviously I have been grieving the losses, but now my grieving has turned to something else. Now I'm grieving over the "what could have been" and grieving the life I could be having now. Instead of celebrating another holiday with no baby in my arms, I am celebrating with empty arms, empty uterus, and a break in my heart. Months ago I was asking "why me?" and wondering why God wasn't answering my prayers. Now I have accepted the fact that this is not my journey to control. His plan for me is not something I cannot see, and I need to trust that he is in the driver's seat.
What I have concluded is that I am looking for answers. Just last year I didn't care about the answers, or even care enough to ask the questions. Not "why me?", but "who am I and what the heck does this all mean?" I know I will not fully get everything I am looking for, but I am content for now in the searching and discovering myself along the way.

"In this life we are going to be disappointed. We will be hurt. But there is great joy in the shadows if you know where to look." -Angie Smith.

I am not promising that when I am tested I will not stumble, but for this moment in time, I am content.

For now. I am content.

Happy Thursday,

2010, you can leave now

With 2010 coming to an end, I have been so busy with who knows what to even blog. I've been so busy, I was wrapping presents right before we left the house to go to our families houses. Ugh, what a horrible blogger I've been lately.
But what I'm excited about is for 2011. Not for anything in particular really, but mostly for 2010 to be gone. 2010 hasn't been fun. If you've been reading my blog you know what I'm talking about. Obviously the miscarriages have been the main events of this year. I rang in 2010 physically having a miscarriage. I wasn't out partying, yelling Happy New Year to everyone, or even working like I do on some New Years. I was living out the first of many nightmares. So needless to say, I'm welcoming 2011 with open arms!
2010 did provide us with a few positives I suppose. Justin and I took two great trips to Washington D.C. and to Kansas, where my family is. We became a foster home for doggies and that has enabled us to help the local animals in need. That in itself has brought me so much joy, along with the doggies of my own.
All in all 2010 was a memorable year. It brought about the worst in me and also showed me how much strength I have in me. It showed me how unfair life can be, and that I am not in control. Oh how hard it was to give up that control I thought I had!
 I've said this before and I'll say it again. I don't regret one thing I've been through. Doesn't make it any less easier or less hurtful. I truly believe every experience I have shapes me into exactly the person I'm supposed to be. Sometimes the person looking back at me in the mirror is someone I'm ashamed of. The bitter, resentful, angry person is not always nice to look at, but I'm human. And I will wear those faces at times. But the other times, well, those faces I'm proud of. The grown up, more compassionate, loving, self aware me.
I've kept this quote near and dear to my heart for quite some time now. And I love it more every day I read it...

"I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together." 
-Marilyn Monroe


Happy Monday,

An award for little ol' me?!

I got another blog award, which I l-o-v-e because it makes me think someone out there reads my blog, and I'm not just writing words out into internet outerspace.
Thank you so much to Katharine over at Grow Baby Grow for this award!
Katharine and I just recently found each other's blog and I am love her cute blog. She is a fellow babyloss mama and part of a huge support system I have found. I'm excited to discover her blog and so should you! Go check out her very cute blog!

The rules of this award are:
1. Link back to the person who gave it to you
2. Pass it on to five (or more) other blogs
3. Leave them a comment telling them about the award


I linked Katharine's blog above, again, go check it out =)

As for the five blogs I would like to pay it forward to...

1. Enjoying the Small Things Kelle is her name and she is fabulous! I don't know her personally but just follow her blog and I get excited every time she has a new post. She is a photographer and her images are just beautiful, she takes tons of pictures of her kids and shares them. Her writing is beautiful and her whole blog is just great! Can I say anymore good things about her?! ; )
2. Erin from Our Great Adventure. Erin is such a sweet person and a blogger friend who is now expecting a baby and blogging to tell about it!
3. Kelly  is another blogging friend who I absolutely adore. She is such a genuinely good person who I wish nothing but the best for!
4. Kandeeland is such a fun blog! I believe I found her site through one of Kelly's posts and have been following it ever since. She is a make-up artist who seems to travel non stop and is expecting another baby. Her whole blog is so fun, go check her out.
5. Last but not least is Melissa. She is a fellow baby loss mama and expecting a little girl. I love her blog because she is so honest and open, and she is the cutest pregnant girl I've ever seen!

Go check them out, I promise you will not be dissapointed!

Happy Friday,

Can I ask a huge favor?!

Ok, here comes yet another plug for animals in need =) But this holiday season I am just asking for one little thing...your votes! Animal rescue site is a site where all you have to do is click away to help animals in need. You can go to the site and click on the big purple button and with every click, sponsors donate food to animals in need. The site is also doing a Shelter challenge, now until Dec. 19th. If you can, please go to the tab on the right side that says Shelter challenge. From there, you can search a shelter and vote for them. I am recommending Mikey's Chance  in Washington state(don't forget the apostrophe), a local rescue organization who desperately needs the help. You can only vote once a day, but can keep going back everyday to vote. The winner gets a $2,000 grant, and there are also smaller amount winners.
It costs you nothing but just a minute of your time, and a click of the mouse.
And your reward? Well you may just help animals like this...

Happy Saturday,