Thursday, December 30, 2010

Searching...and searching

There are many fun posts I have and want to write about, for example, about the photo contest Brea recently won! Or showing off my new Christmas presents I'm uber excited about. But everytime I sit down to blog about those fun things, my fingers take control and I start to write about the not so fun things in life. I guess my body recognizes blogging as a way to "let it all out" and it does feel very therapeutic for me. So I will not try to control it and let it happens when it needs to.
I was talking to someone the other day. Talking about everything that has happened this year. Obviously I have been grieving the losses, but now my grieving has turned to something else. Now I'm grieving over the "what could have been" and grieving the life I could be having now. Instead of celebrating another holiday with no baby in my arms, I am celebrating with empty arms, empty uterus, and a break in my heart. Months ago I was asking "why me?" and wondering why God wasn't answering my prayers. Now I have accepted the fact that this is not my journey to control. His plan for me is not something I cannot see, and I need to trust that he is in the driver's seat.
What I have concluded is that I am looking for answers. Just last year I didn't care about the answers, or even care enough to ask the questions. Not "why me?", but "who am I and what the heck does this all mean?" I know I will not fully get everything I am looking for, but I am content for now in the searching and discovering myself along the way.

"In this life we are going to be disappointed. We will be hurt. But there is great joy in the shadows if you know where to look." -Angie Smith.

I am not promising that when I am tested I will not stumble, but for this moment in time, I am content.

For now. I am content.

Happy Thursday,

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