Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Rollercoaster of a life

I'm stopping by to give a quick update and to let you all know what a rollercoaster I've been on (in cliffnotes version)! I did end up going to Vegas and having a wonderful time. The morning I left for Vegas I went and had an u/s, followup bloodwork, and a meeting with the doc. My body was still telling me a m/c was imminent but had no full on bleeding. The u/s showed a sac and that was it. So the Dr. prepared me for the worst. But the week before I had already known and had grieved already. At that point, as sad as it sounds, I was just waiting for it to happen already. So off to Vegas I went armed with medications from the Dr. for different case scenarios. A few days later after spending the day out by the pool I got a call and they said my hcg level was 20,000. What?! It was 7,000 last time. I was just waiting for the numbers to go down. So they said they wanted another u/s and followup this week. Yesterday I went in for another u/s (it was 6 days from the last). I told the tech that the Dr. thought I had a blighted ovum but my numbers increased. Then she said "well it doesn't look like a blighted ovum, it looks like a pregnancy." Apparently, in the week from my last u/s, there was a fetal pole, yolk sac and a slow itty bitty heart beat. By u/s I measure 6 weeks 1 day, but by dates I should be 7 weeks. Since I don't chart or know when I ovulate, they said it could be off by weeks. The heartbeat was slow but they said if in fact the heart just started beating, it's slow at first then picks up. I was definitely not expecting that! I am most definitely not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot. The tech said it could very well be that the heart just started beating, or it could be going to the other way and slowing down. It's a 50/50 shot.
I don't even know how to describe what I felt. It was almost a numbing feeling. I had already grieved. My expectations were so very low. It's hard to get excited when my body feels the complete opposite. I am still spotting and still have cramps on and off. Still have a backache on and off. I am having so many mixed signals thrown at me, it's hard to even try to be excited.
So for now I wait. Story of my life! I have another u/s in a few weeks. I want to be optimistic, but I am still preparing myself for miscarriage. I still feel that this will end badly. I am preparing for the worst because that's all I've known. It's a comfortable but horrible place to be. I know this feeling well, and can't imagine what being on the other side feels like because I've never been there. So again, for now I wait. And see. It's not in my hands.

Happy Wednesday my friends,
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6 comments:

Kelly said...

Elise, I'm so sorry you are going through this emotional roller coaster. I pray that this pregnancy will be healthy and will give you the child you dream of having. Please keep us posted on what is going on with you, take care of yourself.

lifeofaleo said...

there is still hope!! i had a very simialr story, red bleeding and cramping at 5 weeks, lasted for a week, ER found a sac but no heartbeat yet, week and a half later at almost 7 weeks, a healthy heartbeat and bleeding has stopped. im now at 20 weeks and all is well so far. i dont think ur ever out of the woods until that baby is in your arms! but let my story give u hope, i was sure it was over as well. hang in there and take care of yourself =)

The Great Elephant Symposium said...

I'm so sorry you are going through this roller coaster. I'm hoping, praying and keeping my fingers crossed that everything is good at your next check up and that baby keeps growing. (((hugs)))

Rebecca said...

This roller coaster sucks but I am holding onto hope for you that everything keeps getting better -- things are just moving slowly.

melissa h. said...

oh elise!! i'm just catching up on your blog now! wow...what a mix of emotions! wow! i too have had spotting/cramping. I'm praying that it's just "nothing" for you that that you have a healthy strong growing baby in there!! keep us posted!

Michelle said...

Many positive thoughts for you...