Rollercoaster of a life

I'm stopping by to give a quick update and to let you all know what a rollercoaster I've been on (in cliffnotes version)! I did end up going to Vegas and having a wonderful time. The morning I left for Vegas I went and had an u/s, followup bloodwork, and a meeting with the doc. My body was still telling me a m/c was imminent but had no full on bleeding. The u/s showed a sac and that was it. So the Dr. prepared me for the worst. But the week before I had already known and had grieved already. At that point, as sad as it sounds, I was just waiting for it to happen already. So off to Vegas I went armed with medications from the Dr. for different case scenarios. A few days later after spending the day out by the pool I got a call and they said my hcg level was 20,000. What?! It was 7,000 last time. I was just waiting for the numbers to go down. So they said they wanted another u/s and followup this week. Yesterday I went in for another u/s (it was 6 days from the last). I told the tech that the Dr. thought I had a blighted ovum but my numbers increased. Then she said "well it doesn't look like a blighted ovum, it looks like a pregnancy." Apparently, in the week from my last u/s, there was a fetal pole, yolk sac and a slow itty bitty heart beat. By u/s I measure 6 weeks 1 day, but by dates I should be 7 weeks. Since I don't chart or know when I ovulate, they said it could be off by weeks. The heartbeat was slow but they said if in fact the heart just started beating, it's slow at first then picks up. I was definitely not expecting that! I am most definitely not out of the woods yet, not by a long shot. The tech said it could very well be that the heart just started beating, or it could be going to the other way and slowing down. It's a 50/50 shot.
I don't even know how to describe what I felt. It was almost a numbing feeling. I had already grieved. My expectations were so very low. It's hard to get excited when my body feels the complete opposite. I am still spotting and still have cramps on and off. Still have a backache on and off. I am having so many mixed signals thrown at me, it's hard to even try to be excited.
So for now I wait. Story of my life! I have another u/s in a few weeks. I want to be optimistic, but I am still preparing myself for miscarriage. I still feel that this will end badly. I am preparing for the worst because that's all I've known. It's a comfortable but horrible place to be. I know this feeling well, and can't imagine what being on the other side feels like because I've never been there. So again, for now I wait. And see. It's not in my hands.

Happy Wednesday my friends,