Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Pity party, won't you join me?

Woe is me. Yes, I am throwing myself a pity party. I think I have been handling the past few weeks great, all things considering. But there are those days when you can't help but feel sorry for yourself. Today is that day. With my ultrasound a week away, I'm getting nervous. I know what the outcome is going to be. I have a gut feeling that the results will not be in my favor. My body and my gut are telling me this. I am preparing for the worst, but no matter how much I prepare, it's still going to suck to get that final confirmation. To be laying in the ultrasound room, and see yet again, a still image...nothing prepares you for that. Even if I am fully expecting to see bad news, it's still a knife in the heart. And just thinking about that day and what is to come after that makes me exhausted thinking about it. It physically exhausts me. It saddens me and scares me at the same time, to think I can never be excited about a future pregnancy. My excitement will be overpowered by fear and worry. I don't care how many times people tell me to try and relax, don't worry so much...it won't happen. Because I will worry, I will be fearful, I will be scared sh!tless every time I go to the bathroom, I will worry myself sick getting my blood drawn, and I will hate getting an ultrasound. And it angers me to think that I will be feeling those things instead of excitement and happiness. It angers me that yet again I will have to tell the few people I told, the bad news and have to deal with them not knowing what to say to me. It angers me that my body will not do what it is supposed to do. A lot of things anger me as you can see.

They say out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls...I am feeling the furthest from strong now.
Pity party over,

Happy Tuesday my friends,


Anonymous said...

No, I will not join your pity party! I'm going to hold onto my hope that you're wrong and you'll see a healthy baby at that u/s!! I've got everything crossed that's how it goes, have faith =)

Lara + Chris said...

Huge hugs!!! All my positive thoughts are headed your way and I can't wait to hear the good news from your u/s!

Erin said...

I'm thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. BIG HUGS.

Anonymous said...

Elise, I was just wondering how you are doing. I have been thinking about you and praying for you. I hope you are well. Blessings to you.