Monday, November 15, 2010

The unknowns

I've been doing great. Unbelievably great in fact. I've been keeping myself busy. I've had this new found energy, not sure where it came from but it was very welcome. Maybe it's the fact that the holidays are near, and the holidays always lift my spirits. Maybe it's because I've felt good about myself caring for a foster doggie. Maybe it's because I've found some hobbies to keep me busy. Maybe it's God giving me strength. Maybe it's myself giving me strength. Whatever the reason, I've been good. It was bound to come crashing down I suppose. It's amazing what tiniest of things could be triggers for us to set us back into our darkest place. Today, it was my insurance. I have an appointment with an RE this coming Friday, and wanted to be prepared for it considering it's three hours away through the mountains. I called my insurance to see what exactly was covered and if I would need something to take before my appointment. I was then informed that my primary would only pay for diagnostics. After calling my secondary insurance, I learned they covered even less than my primary! They would cover nothing really in regards to fertility. Now I'm not saying I'm going to need treatment, hopefully I won't. But the possibility is there, and I like to be prepared. What if the only way for me to have a healthy pregnancy is to have some super expensive treatment I won't be able to afford out of pocket?! The endless amount of what-ifs came barging through my brain unwelcomed. Then all my strength and courage fell right off of me. And for the first time, I prayed for God to not straight up give me a baby, but to keep on giving me the strength to get through this.

This is hard. This is the hardest most difficult and draining thing I have ever had to go through in my life. This has single handedly showed me who my friends really are, tested our marriage, questioned my faith in God, questioned my faith in myself, and made me had to bare my soul to myself and to others. What it brought me was a closer relationship to Justin and to others, shown light on friends I really didn't want, and brought out a strength in myself I never knew I had. But sometimes that strength falters, and what I'm left with is someone who is downright scared. But it will get better, it has to.

Happy Monday,


The Great Elephant Symposium said...

I'm so sorry about the insurance. They always seem to...(excuse my language) screw people! I ended up having to pay both my in and out of network and it sucked :( It was quite high because I used to work for a non-profit. Non Profit= Sucky insurance. I really hope you find answers to your prayers soon. Don't give up and keep up your strength and spirits high :)


Anonymous said...

I understand what you are feeling....and it sucks. But this is why we need God...because we truly cannot depend on anything else in this life. It might sound morbid, but it's true. People disappoint, situations frustrate, life hurts sometimes...but God is always there. He knows what you are feeling, He has a plan, it might not be the plan you hoped for, but it is what is best. I know that is hard to hear, but it is true. We are struggling through this journey, but He wants us to come closer to Him through it, not grow far from Him. Blessings to you. By the way, can I have your e-mail?