One Fine Wire

I've mentioned in earlier posts how music moves me. I have music to fit every emotion I am feeling that day. If you ask me how I am doing, there are certain songs I can play for you and it can explain exactly to a 'T' how I am feeling, and I wouldn't have to utter a word. My taste in music is eclectic. My absolute favorite is anything acoustic, but love mostly everything.

Rewind a few weeks, when I was going through one of the most difficult times in my life, I was playing my music on my computer. And along came a song that felt like it was written for me. It's called One Fine Wire by Colbie Caillat. Now I'm sure when Miss Colbie wrote this song she wasn't writing about miscarriage. But either way, it spoke to me.

Looking forward

What does looking back accomplish? Is it just to remind us of the pain we endured and the tears we cried? Because maybe the pain and tears are reminders of that special something, the "what'if's", the "what could have beens." If we re-live the pain, that means we are not forgetting. Sometimes we are scared of looking forward, in fear we will forget why we cried in the first place. Looking forward means moving forward. Moving on with our lives. And that is just plain scary.

The one part of moving forward I have a problem with are the painful reminders of what could have been. I will forever hate Wednesdays because those were the days I was on to the next week. That meant one week was down and I was on to the next one. Pregnancy is a countdown, with all the special dates memorized in our heads. What sucks is when the pregnancy is no longer, what are you left with? Still, the special dates in your head.

So instead of looking forward to those painful reminders, I am looking forward towards other things. Even if they are little, they are distractions. And they are very welcome at this point.

Here they are:

-I got the go ahead to exercise again! I haven't done any form of exercise since February. Believe it or not, I am excited to start. I desperately need it. I love going to classes like BodyCombat and BodyPump, but for now, I will start slow and do the machines. Oh, and if I could look like the girl in the above picture, that would be an added bonus!

-Vacation! So far I only have one planned. Going to Kansas to see family. But I would like to do mini-vacays this summer. Maybe going camping, or to the Oregon Coast. I would love to go to Cali but not sure how realistic that is. I love Cali, especially southern Cali. If I could live there, I would jump at the chance in a heartbeat!

-Yardwork. Yeah, I know, that is no fun but our backyard/sideyard desperately needs some tender loving care. Actually, Justin does most of the yardwork, but I would love to see it done =) When it's all done, I would love to sit outside (when we buy a table) in the summer evenings. That has been my dream for the past couple summers, so we will see if it comes true this summer.

-Aviator sunglasses! Love them! Right now I only have one but plan on adding to my collection now. I bought my first pair in Mexico when we were on our honeymoon. They were $8 and I absolutely love them!

Just a few things I am looking forward too. I will add to my list in later posts.

Happy Wednesday (*sigh*) my friends,

Stop and smell the roses...or the lilies

This was my weekend off, and it always goes by so fast! It is starting to get warm here, so no more coats...yay! But that also means I need to start working out again =( We spent time with good friends a good chunk of the weekend. And on Saturday I went to a baby shower. If you would have asked me last week if I was going, I would have said "no way." But this week I was feeling a lot better (mentally) and I really do love going to showers, whether it be baby or bridal. So I decided to torture myself and go. No, not really, it actually was fine. There were tons of babies and little kids, but that didn't bother me. And I was with a group of my good friends so it was nice to chat with them. Plus there were some people I haven't seen in a while so it was nice catching up. Thankfully, no one asked the baby question to me. I had no response planned, so that might have been a disaster, but luckily it did not come up!

Today we started working on the backyard (which needs some TLC). I helped out a little, but since I'm not quite sure when I can be doing physical labor, I decided to not push myself. I go to my follow-up appointment next week, so I'm sure I'll get the OK then. I have tons of flower pots, so I decided to try planting flowers again. I tend to be a flower-killer, so we will see how this goes.

I also got the ball rolling on a few things coming up in my life that I'm excited about. I will post more about this later if it ends up going through. Nothing major, but definitely exciting!!

Happy Sunday my friends,

Monday ramblings

"When we're dying or have suffered a catastrophic loss, we all move through five distinct stages of grief. We go into denial because the loss is so unthinkable we can’t imagine it’s true. We become angry with everyone, angry with survivors, angry with ourselves. Then we bargain. We beg. We plead. We offer everything we have, we offer our souls in exchange for just one more day. When the bargaining has failed and the anger is too hard to maintain, we fall into depression, despair, until finally we have to accept that we’ve done everything we can. We let go. We let go and move into acceptance.

Grief may be a thing we all have in common, but it looks different on everyone. It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change. And when we wonder why it has to suck so much sometimes, has to hurt so bad. The thing we gotta try to remember is that it can turn on a dime. That’s how you stay alive. When it hurts so much you can’t breathe, that’s how you survive. By remembering that one day, somehow, impossibly, you won’t feel this way. It won’t hurt this much. Grief comes in its own time for everyone, in its own way. So the best we can do, the best anyone can do, is try for honesty. The really crappy thing, the very worst part of grief is that you can’t control it. The best we can do is try to let ourselves feel it when it comes. And let it go when we can. The very worst part is that the minute you think you’re past it, it starts all over again. And always, every time, it takes your breath away. There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us, but there are always five.


Denial.
Anger.
Bargaining.
Depression.
Acceptance."

-Grey's Anatomy

I got this from another blogger and couldn't believe how true it is. In the past week, I've felt so many emotions. I can be happy and then for the next few minutes I could be utterly, heartbreakingly sad. Then I'm back to being happy. Certain things can trigger it, but sometimes it's just out of the blue. So I soak up the times I am happy, because I know that can turn on a whim. "...It isn’t just death we have to grieve. It’s life. It’s loss. It’s change..." I think this is what I'm grieving the most right now. But I am also starting to appreciate the fact that I am changed. Every experience in life changes us, whether we like it or not. So I am going with the flow, and hope that I will turn out okay and in one peace at the end. That's all we can hope for some days.

Speaking of change, my laptop has a new home! (I know, this post is going to do a complete 180, just like my moods ; ) )

I got my trusty laptop a while back and set up shop at the kitchen bar. I don't know why I decided to make that my laptop's home, but I did. We have an office and Justin made that his own. Since I had my own laptop now, I had no need to use the office anymore. Well lately, I've been tired of sitting at the bar. I don't like people reading over my shoulder, and I felt every time Justin walked by, that's what he was doing! Even though he promised he wasn't. So this past weekend, on one of my good days, we made a little corner in the office my own. And i love it.

Happy Monday my friends,

Glimpses of happiness

Sometimes in your darkest days, life hands you a happiness pass. It may last for a split second, may last an hour. But every time, it’s unexpected and you’re not quite sure how long it will last. So you smile. And laugh. And your heart is full. Sometimes it’s so quick, you don’t have enough time to appreciate it. But when it lingers, you look up to the heavens and whisper “thank you.” Because you know it will soon go away, and you will soon slip back into your darkest hour.

Well my friends, I have been fortunate enough to receive my happiness pass quite a few times this past week. Some days are better then others. Doesn't really help that I have been moping around the house all week. I've been on lock down with my doggies during the day, and am thankful to have Justin home during lunches and after work. And just now, I heard the wonderful sound of rain outside. I love rain, especially on days like these. God must be giving me a break and doing the crying for me =)

My happiness pass honestly has been my doggies. They follow me around everywhere and will not let me be alone. And they are quite entertaining when I have watched all the TV I could possible watch (gasp! Did I just say that?!), and after I surfed the internet for hours, and wandered the house looking for something to do...they are there.

For now, my doggies (and Justin) are providing me all the company I need. I know that I will soon have to actually leave the house and talk to people again. And I will probably tell my story more times than I want to. But it's not a story I am ashamed of. Hurts, yes. But it's not a story I want to pack away. Because even if it lasted for a few months, it was a part of us, and for that I am grateful.

Happy Friday my friends,

God is still good

Warning, this may be long and for some may be TMI:

This has got to be the worst year of my life. Ever. I'm hoping and praying that I got all bad things out of the way, and the rest of the year is going to be so much better. I had a miscarriage this week, my second one of the year. My first one happened ringing in the new year. I started on New Years Eve 2010. Right after I said 2010 was going to be my year. That was a natural miscarriage, happened on it's own. Got pregnant again the end of February and was cautiously optimistic. Because of my m/c in January they wanted to watch my hcg levels to make sure they were doing what they were supposed to do. I had 6 total, and my arm was a pincushion. My first level was good and my progesterone was high, so that was good too since progesterone helps maintain a pregnancy. The rule of thumb for hcg levels is that they "normally" double every 2-3 days in early pregnancy. My second more than doubled. I had another one done a week later and it didn't double like it should but slowly rose. The levels after that always slowly rose but never doubled. I asked my Dr. if he has seen this before and it went on to be fine, and he said "oh yeah" like he sees it all the time. So I went to my trusty friend, Google, and googled the death out of these numbers. I found awesome success stories and not so awesome stories. What I basically got out of it was I had a 50/50 shot. I had an ultrasound in between all these levels and it was very early on so all we could see was a sac and the yolk sac, which my Dr. was very pleased with. Had another ultrasound after my second to last level when I was 7 weeks pregnant and it showed a baby with a strong beating heart measuring exactly what it was supposed to. After that, my Dr. said no more blood draws, we will go off u/s' from now on.

Well fast forward to last weekend. I started having some spotting, even though I had been crampy the entire pregnancy, that mixed with the spotting scared me. Well the spotting got to be more and by Saturday I was freaked out, so went to the ER. The Dr. there refused to do an ultrasound but did a pelvic exam and said I looked fine. He did labwork that came back fine also. He did another hcg level, and again, it very slowly rose from the last one. So he sent me on my way telling me to follow up with my Dr. on Monday. Oh, and may I just add, that bad things always seem to happen on weekends. My first m/c was on a weekend too...just throwing that out there.

Anyway, Monday morning at 8 am i called and scheduled an appt. I couldn't get in to see my regular Dr. but I was just happy getting an appt at all. Right after I made the appt. the spotting became light bleeding and more cramping. I knew this wasn't good but held onto the little hope I had left. At my appt. that afternoon, I got a bedside ultrasound and it showed no heartbeat, and the baby stopped growing exactly a week before. I was heartbroken, but I also knew deep down earlier that day that this was the news I would be getting. The Dr. offered me my options and told me to take all the time I needed, no rush. But I knew what I wanted. My body was already starting to do the process on it's own I'm sure (with the bleeding and cramping), but I couldn't do another one. The m/c I had in January was horrible and I won't give all the bad details but let's just say I don't want to go through that again. I couldn't go through it again. So I opted for a D&C that next day. If you don't know what a D&C is, let's just say they go in and suction the baby out. It's not major surgery, there are no incisions, but I would have to go under general anesthesia. Again, I would chose this over a natural m/c in a heartbeat. But I couldn't help wonder if maybe the bigger better ultrasound machine next door would give me a different answer. Even though my body was obviously telling me no. I asked the Dr. if the bedside ultrasound is just as good as the one next door and he said that he wouldn't schedule a D&C if he wasn't 100% confident about what he saw. He said with the bedside u/s we should have been able to see a heartbeat at how far along I was. I was 8 weeks 5 days along. "But" he said, "I cannot do this procedure with you having doubts. You have to be 100% certain this is what you want to do." He suggested waiting a few more days or he was more than happy to schedule another ultrasound. I scheduled my D&C for that next day, and he suggested that I can get an ultrasound at the hospital right before just to confirm. So I agreed. But the u/s that next morning gave me the same results. But I am happy I did it because now I won't have any doubts in my mind. I won't have that "what if" and I am happy with that. The D&C went fine, it only took 15-20 minutes. Dr. said he will send off the tissue to be tested for any abnormalities. Maybe that may give us answers, maybe not.

After I got the news the first time that there was no heartbeat, I kept repeating to myself "God is still good, God is still good, God is still good.." I needed to remind myself. After my first m/c in January, I turned my back on God for a little bit. I couldn't understand why so many people can have 3,4,5 kids, and I just wanted one. Just one... Just one. I went back to God not too long after and said my apologies. I promised myself at the beginning of this pregnancy I would not blame God if anything bad were to happen. And I still don't. That's why I had to keep remind myself that God is still good. Because he is. He has given me so many great things in life that I know He is good.

I will end with this...

God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?

'Yes you can' he replied, 'I give many women babies,

when they leave is not their choice.

Some I send for a lifetime,

others for the day.

Some I send to fill your womb, but there's no need to stay.'

"I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here."

He took a deep breath and cleared his throat and then I saw the tear.

'I wish that I could show you, what your child is doing today.

If you could see your child smile with all the other children and say...'

"We go to earth to learn our lessons, of love, of life, and fear.

My mommy loved me oh so much

I got to come straight here.

I learned my lessons very quick, my mommy set me free.

I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her everyday.

When she goes to sleep,

on her pillows where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear,

Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm still here."

'So you see my dear sweet ones

your children are okay.

Your babies are born here in my home,

and this is where they'll stay.'

Footprints of God

The Footprints of God

In deepest sleep one night I dreamed

That on the beach I walked

God was by my side each step

And quietly we talked.

Then on the sky my life was flashed,

The visions all serene.

Two sets of footprints in the sand

Were there in every scene.

But then I noticed in some scenes

Of suffering, pain, and strife...

Just a single set of footprints

At the worst times of my life.

God...you said you'd stay by me

In good times and in bad...

Why then did you leave me

Each time my life was sad?

"My precious child," God answered,

"When your life had pain I knew;

The single set of footprints

Were the times I carried you."