Wednesday, April 7, 2010

God is still good

Warning, this may be long and for some may be TMI:

This has got to be the worst year of my life. Ever. I'm hoping and praying that I got all bad things out of the way, and the rest of the year is going to be so much better. I had a miscarriage this week, my second one of the year. My first one happened ringing in the new year. I started on New Years Eve 2010. Right after I said 2010 was going to be my year. That was a natural miscarriage, happened on it's own. Got pregnant again the end of February and was cautiously optimistic. Because of my m/c in January they wanted to watch my hcg levels to make sure they were doing what they were supposed to do. I had 6 total, and my arm was a pincushion. My first level was good and my progesterone was high, so that was good too since progesterone helps maintain a pregnancy. The rule of thumb for hcg levels is that they "normally" double every 2-3 days in early pregnancy. My second more than doubled. I had another one done a week later and it didn't double like it should but slowly rose. The levels after that always slowly rose but never doubled. I asked my Dr. if he has seen this before and it went on to be fine, and he said "oh yeah" like he sees it all the time. So I went to my trusty friend, Google, and googled the death out of these numbers. I found awesome success stories and not so awesome stories. What I basically got out of it was I had a 50/50 shot. I had an ultrasound in between all these levels and it was very early on so all we could see was a sac and the yolk sac, which my Dr. was very pleased with. Had another ultrasound after my second to last level when I was 7 weeks pregnant and it showed a baby with a strong beating heart measuring exactly what it was supposed to. After that, my Dr. said no more blood draws, we will go off u/s' from now on.
Well fast forward to last weekend. I started having some spotting, even though I had been crampy the entire pregnancy, that mixed with the spotting scared me. Well the spotting got to be more and by Saturday I was freaked out, so went to the ER. The Dr. there refused to do an ultrasound but did a pelvic exam and said I looked fine. He did labwork that came back fine also. He did another hcg level, and again, it very slowly rose from the last one. So he sent me on my way telling me to follow up with my Dr. on Monday. Oh, and may I just add, that bad things always seem to happen on weekends. My first m/c was on a weekend too...just throwing that out there.
Anyway, Monday morning at 8 am i called and scheduled an appt. I couldn't get in to see my regular Dr. but I was just happy getting an appt at all. Right after I made the appt. the spotting became light bleeding and more cramping. I knew this wasn't good but held onto the little hope I had left. At my appt. that afternoon, I got a bedside ultrasound and it showed no heartbeat, and the baby stopped growing exactly a week before. I was heartbroken, but I also knew deep down earlier that day that this was the news I would be getting. The Dr. offered me my options and told me to take all the time I needed, no rush. But I knew what I wanted. My body was already starting to do the process on it's own I'm sure (with the bleeding and cramping), but I couldn't do another one. The m/c I had in January was horrible and I won't give all the bad details but let's just say I don't want to go through that again. I couldn't go through it again. So I opted for a D&C that next day. If you don't know what a D&C is, let's just say they go in and suction the baby out. It's not major surgery, there are no incisions, but I would have to go under general anesthesia. Again, I would chose this over a natural m/c in a heartbeat. But I couldn't help wonder if maybe the bigger better ultrasound machine next door would give me a different answer. Even though my body was obviously telling me no. I asked the Dr. if the bedside ultrasound is just as good as the one next door and he said that he wouldn't schedule a D&C if he wasn't 100% confident about what he saw. He said with the bedside u/s we should have been able to see a heartbeat at how far along I was. I was 8 weeks 5 days along. "But" he said, "I cannot do this procedure with you having doubts. You have to be 100% certain this is what you want to do." He suggested waiting a few more days or he was more than happy to schedule another ultrasound. I scheduled my D&C for that next day, and he suggested that I can get an ultrasound at the hospital right before just to confirm. So I agreed. But the u/s that next morning gave me the same results. But I am happy I did it because now I won't have any doubts in my mind. I won't have that "what if" and I am happy with that. The D&C went fine, it only took 15-20 minutes. Dr. said he will send off the tissue to be tested for any abnormalities. Maybe that may give us answers, maybe not.

After I got the news the first time that there was no heartbeat, I kept repeating to myself "God is still good, God is still good, God is still good.." I needed to remind myself. After my first m/c in January, I turned my back on God for a little bit. I couldn't understand why so many people can have 3,4,5 kids, and I just wanted one. Just one... Just one. I went back to God not too long after and said my apologies. I promised myself at the beginning of this pregnancy I would not blame God if anything bad were to happen. And I still don't. That's why I had to keep remind myself that God is still good. Because he is. He has given me so many great things in life that I know He is good.

I will end with this...

God, can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?
'Yes you can' he replied, 'I give many women babies,
when they leave is not their choice.
Some I send for a lifetime,
others for the day.
Some I send to fill your womb, but there's no need to stay.'
"I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here."
He took a deep breath and cleared his throat and then I saw the tear.
'I wish that I could show you, what your child is doing today.
If you could see your child smile with all the other children and say...'
"We go to earth to learn our lessons, of love, of life, and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much
I got to come straight here.
I learned my lessons very quick, my mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, but I visit her everyday.
When she goes to sleep,
on her pillows where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear,
Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm still here."
'So you see my dear sweet ones
your children are okay.
Your babies are born here in my home,
and this is where they'll stay.'



Trisha said...

oh, im am so sorry to hear about this. keep your head up, yo'll get there, we all will.

Britt said...

I am so sorry to hear about your losses. Thank you for your encouragement and for your honesty! I also have to remind myself that God is still good...even if it doesn't always appear so evident! Take some time for you and know that as much as you hate to be in this "club" of Mommies with Angel are in good company!

ShanPando said...


Thanks for sharing this. I know how you feel about somewhat being angry with God. I'm not totally angry, as I know it's not His fault, but it pained me severely in Church this past Easter Sunday to see so many pregnant women about to pop...and they all sat right next to me. It was torture. I couldn't understand why I was in God's house being "tortured." I'll keep you in my prayers. Have you ever been to a Reproductive Endocrinologist? I would really suggest it if you haven't to determine if you have PCOS or another type of IF.

Betsy & Kurt said...

Oh goodness...

I might have to use that poem at the end of your post. It brought tears to my eyes!

We are definitely still mommies :). I am so sorry for your losses!