Friday, October 1, 2010

The post I always hate writing

I seem to write many of these worst fears were confirmed, there is no longer a heartbeat and now I just wait to miscarry. I've known this since the beginning of the week, but have had no desire to blog. I think my body hates me. It won't do the job it was naturally born to do, but now that I want it to be over with, it doesn't seem to be doing that either. I do have some meds to help kickstart if I decide to, that's always an option. I grieved a long time ago and I'm surprisingly doing good. What always seems to be a kick in the stomach and takes me back down a notch are those constant reminders that everyone else has what I can't seem to achieve. The many pregnancy announcements on facebook, the pregnant women everywhere, the moms and newborn babies that seem to follow me are all reminders. I know it's not their fault, and I don't know their story. But that still doesn't take away the fact that this all sucks. I'm really good at masking my feelings and putting a smile on my face in public. It's a conscious effort at times to smile and talk about who won Dancing with the stars. Other times I don't have to pretend. I'm just doing what I can to move on.
I know that it'll happen when it's supposed to, I get that a lot. I'm kind of getting tired of hearing it. I know that. I know that it is in God's hands. But after three of these in a row, I think I have a teeny right to be bitter and resentful. I can't always be sunshine and rainbows. I really don't want to be a bitter and cynical person about something that is supposed to be happy and exciting.
They say you the only way to go from rock bottom is up. My biggest fear is that I will continually stay in my darkest hour. I don't think about long term. I just think about day to day, and week to week. I remember the weeks following my second miscarriage back in the spring. I remember thinking how I will never be happy again. I was scared that it was going to consume my mind 24/7. Well after a while, life went on. I no longer despised wednesdays or thought about it as often. It gets better, it will get better.

Happy Friday my friends,


Kelly said...

Elise, I'm thinking about you. Take care of yourself girly.

Glass Case of Emotion said...

I am so so sorry for your loss. Know that someone out there knows how you are feeling, and the rock bottom feeling doesn't last forever. Hugs-

Lara + Chris said...

Oh, Elise. That's not what I ever wanted to come here to see. I'm so, so, so, SO sorry. Words can't express my pain for you. HUGS.

Lindsey said...

I'm SOOO very sorry for your loss.