Saturday, May 1, 2010

Grief, joy and a surprise

When you are sorrowful look again in your
heart, and you shall see that in truth you are
weeping for that which has been your delight.

Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow,"
and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."

But I say unto you, they are inseparable.

Together they come, and when one sits alone
with you at your board, remember that the
other is asleep upon your bed.

Verily you are suspended like scales between
your sorrow and your joy.

-Kahlil Gibran

I dance between grief and joy on a daily basis. It's a fine balance between the two. Just like my previous post about One Fine Wire, this is my greatest inner dilemma. I have to make a conscious effort to not slip back into my darkest days. The majority of the time I am making an effort to smile, to talk, to carry on like I would normally do. And other times, no effort is needed. I am back to my old self, making no conscious effort to do all the things that come naturally to people. I am happy, smiling, talking...and then I remember that it happened all on it's own. After that, I feel a sense of relief that one of these days, I will be able to do that 100% of the time, and not only 25%. It's something to look forward too.
Then, other times, I can't help but slip back to where I was at my lowest point. Some times it lasts a minute, other times it lasts an afternoon. Those are the times I can't talk to anyone, I can't be distracted by tv or the internet, but I am just. heartbreakingly. sad. And I can't do anything but accept it and wait until it passes. But my reasons for sadness have shifted. It's not about what happened anymore and grieving the loss, now it's grieving for what could have been, what I am missing out on. When I am alone I let that feeling wash over me until it passes. When I am around others, I simply just don't say a thing for fear of the sadness coming out. So I am silent until the moment passes on by.
Grief and joy must be inseparable because I play a game of balancing the two out.

I did something yesterday that brought me great joy....

Yes, that is my first (and probably only) tattoo! Weren't expecting that were you? Well neither was I. I never had a desire to have a tattoo. Not that I didn't like them, I just didn't feel like I needed or wanted one. But I felt it was something I wanted to do now, in sort of a remembrance way. It symbolizes my loss(es) and where I was in my life because I am forever changed. I will never regret it because I will never regret this experience. I've always loved angel wings, even before this all happened. I just feel peace when I look at them. I have a pair of earrings that I wanted this tattoo modeled after. And that's exactly what I did. Justin suggested right before I did it that maybe I could add a halo right above it. But in my mind, this is what I envisioned my tattoo to look like. Never did I imagine adding anything else. But I was scared of adding anything because I didn't want a huge tattoo that would overpower my foot. But now thinking about it, I think it may be a nice touch to add a halo. We will see. I go back to the tattoo place I got it at in a month so he can make sure it's healing like it's supposed to. And I figure if I want to add it then, then I will. But whether I do that or not, I still l.o.v.e it! It will forever be a part of me, which is exactly what I wanted.



Mrs. G said...

Very nice tattoo.

Britt said...

A few weeks after our daughter was still born I got a similar tattoo on my foot! It is angel wings with a pink banner across them that has her initials with a gold halo tipped on the the right wing! I love it and I love yours! Everyone kept telling me that it was a bad idea b/c I did it so soon after losing her, but I can't ever imagine a day where I look at my foot and am not thrilled to see the constant, outward reminder of the changes she caused inside of me! Sorry to be so long, but I had to comment!