Dear self

Dear me,
I have a few complaints.
1. Can you at least tell my body to get on board? I understand how after a miscarriage the body may need a while to "readjust" and heal. However, I think enough time has passed, so please, shape up.
2. Why when you have ample amounts of time during the day, do you not have enough energy? There are so many things I am yelling at you to get done, but yet, nothing happens. You have plenty of time, why not use it?
3. I understand there are things that trigger my sadness. I understand the process of healing. What I don't comprehend is why the littlest of things take me to that one place I don't want to be. Please explain.
4.While I get why at times I am bitter, tell me why I am that one person I don't want to be? Although the bitterness is weirdly comforting,
5. And please help me understand why when I am on the ground, the universe continues to kick me? It's not fair.

Although I am a bit disappointed in you, I will tell you this.
1. Even though you put me through some of the worst experiences I've ever dealt with, it's an experience I am humbly grateful for. It's helped me appreciate certain aspects of my life. And although it was only for a split second, you gave me a glimpse at what being a mom is about.
2.You have brought about in me a strength I have never known. It's a strength that I feel deep within, and it helps me get out of bed and hold my head up. It helps me not only get through a day, but be happy that I'm alive. I have never seen this strength before. I can only assume that it was created when I was at rock bottom to help me stand.
3. Although my body has let me down in the biggest way, it also showed me what miracles it could bring about. I just wish it lasted longer.
4. I appreciate life and certain things in it even more now. Believe it or not, I have the "stop and smell the roses" attitude. And the roses smell pretty damn good.

So you see self, even though you disobey you...you have put me in awe on several different occasions. You are a mystery and at times I cannot figure you out. I just wish you would tell me what is around the corner when I take that turn. Because too many times I have been hit head on and it hurts. It hurts my soul, and I think I deserve a break. I am pleading with you for a break. If you give me that I promise I will surprise you...in a good way. You won't regret it.

Thankful and tiring Thursday,

Quote of the day

If you know me, you know my love of quotes. I think quotes can sum up someone's true feelings in the most beautiful way possible. I look at quotes when I am at my lowest to give me strength. I look at them when I am feeling good to remind me to stay strong. And I look at them when I am feeling great, in hopes I can pass them along to help others. Here's my quotes of the day...

Awareness born of love is the only force that can bring healing and renewal. Out of our love for another person, we become more willing to let our old identities wither and fall away, and enter a dark night of the soul, so that we may stand naked once more in the presence of the great mystery that lies at the core of our being. This is how love ripens us -by warming us from within, inspiring us to break out of our shell, and lighting our way through the dark passage to new birth. ~John Welwood




Magical Mondays,

In the land of couponing

Couponing has become a craze it seems! Some people are die hards and I see them around the store with their gigantic coupon binder, organized alphabetically.

I am not one of those people.

When I first started working five years ago, I spent money like nobody's business. I would buy whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted. At full price, no questions asked. Well now, I still buy what I want, but I am more conscious of how much it costs. And where I used to be a compulsive shopper, I have tamed it down a little. Sometimes there are still things that I have to buy right then and there, like clothes, whether it's on sale or not. But now, I think twice. And I haven't quite gotten into couponing. I don't use coupons at grocery stores yet, but I will use coupons at other stores such as craft and clothing stores. I also try to look up discounts and coupons online if I know I'm going to be spending a lot of money. Sometimes I will just return things if I find it it cheaper somewhere else. I know this is not couponing, but it works for me right now!
For example, I bought Brea this at Petco...


...Yes, those are steps for dog. Don't judge me, she's teeny =)

I bought them for $27. I then went to Target to buy some other things, and randomly saw this same one for $19! So I bought that and returned the one at Petco. Now a few years ago I would not have done this. I would have seen the one at Target, and said "crap, it's cheaper here," shrugged my shoulders and go about my merry way to look at other things I don't really need.
It's baby steps, and I'm hoping that eventually I will become a full fledged coupon queen! But until then, I will find my own random ways to save money. Starting by returning things when I find it cheaper elsewhere =).

Happy Friday!

To make me appreciate what I have

Do things ever happen to you that make you stop, and make you look really hard and sweetly at the things in your life? That happens to me on occasion, and every time I am thankful for that reminder. I really try hard to stop and tell myself, "remember this moment, and cherish what you have."
Driving home from work this morning, while everyone is out starting their day, I saw three dogs. Three dogs running across a busy street in a place where there were no homes nearby. It was a busy commercial area so there were plenty of people around, but they seemed lost. A few years ago, my heart would break a little, but I would drive on. Now, I stop. Remember, this is how we found Tucker =)
Anyway, a few really sweet baristas at an espresso stand were feeding them treats. I stopped to see if they had tags, and only one of them did. All three were really sweet dogs, they were definitely family dogs. The other two did not have tags. So I called the number on the tag and left a message since there was no answer. I had no idea what to do after that. The barista girls and I were not sure what to do with them. They were still hanging around, but looked like they were about to leave any moment. Justin convinced me that they were probably family dogs that ran around during the day and knew their way home. The baristas were talking about calling animal control or putting them in their car to hold them. Either way, I didn't know what to do. If it was just one dog, I would probably have taken it, but there were three, and one was a really big one, and I had a really small car. So feeling defeated and sad, I left.
When I got home, I got on craigslist, and lo and behold, an ad was placed about two dogs who went missing yesterday. The two dogs without tags. I called the number and those dogs turned out to be the missing ones in the ad, so I told the owner where they were. Right when I hung up, the owner who's name was on the tag called me back and he said his dog was in fact missing, so I told him where to find the dog. I then called the espresso stand and told them the owners were found, but they said the dogs just ran off. So I'm going off hope that the owners found them nearby.
I did all I could, but I felt like I could do more. It hurt my heart to leave them there. Even though the owners were found, I still felt so helpless.
So when I got home and went to bed, I hugged my dogs a little harder, and gave my big dog a treat. He's not allowed to get on furniture, and he's fine with that. He rarely ever tries to get on things. This morning I let him sleep in bed with me and I could tell he was so excited! I don't know what I would do if my dogs ever went missing, but I do know that all my dogs will ever know is love.

Please, if you have a dog, make sure they have a collar with a tag on it, sometimes it makes all the difference.

Happy Wednesday,

Over it

Ok, so I lasted 10 days into the blog challenge, but I think I'm over it now. I liked the idea of posting something every day, but some days I wasn't really feeling the topics I was "supposed" to write about. So no more blog challenge for me =) At least I tried it right?!
And yet another confession...I still haven't taken my Christmas decorations down. I have no desire to do it. Especially the tree. I work this weekend so I have an excuse to put it off for a few days, but it NEEDS to get done next week!
Also, I have the urge to do something different with my blog. I want a new layout of some sort, but don't want to pay the money to have it done. And I have no idea how to do it myself. I like my background now, but feel like the layout needs to be changed up a bit.
If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears!

Happy Friday,

30 day blog challenge- day 10

Day 10- Something you are afraid of

Well the most obvious ones are spiders and snakes, who isn't afraid of them?! My most current and meaningful ones are that I will never carry a baby to term, and death.
I've had a fear of dying for a long time. Now that I'm married, it's now turned into a  fear of Justin dying as well. I think it's more of the unknown I fear. The cease to exist part. However, lately I have been doing a lot of reading and this fear is not as bad as it once was. Hopefully I won't have to worry about this for a long, long time!

Happy Thursday,

Harder than I though

Our foster dog Tucker got his new home. Although we are thrilled he has a forever family, it is bittersweet. And even though that is the goal, it still felt like a punch in the gut. I will tell you why.

Since the local organization we go through is based on volunteers only, Saturdays are the big adoption days where people can go and actually see the dogs in person. When we have a foster dog, they schedule them on certain weekends. Well, Tucker didn't go very much because with the holidays and our weekend schedules, it was hard. Lately, they seemed to call me on weekends I worked and Justin was busy and we couldn't take him down there on Saturdays. So last week I called and asked them if he could go on Saturday. They said yes and Saturday morning we dropped him off. I was expecting to pick him up that afternoon so we dropped and left. I got a call only a few hours later telling me he was adopted and went home with his new family right then and there. I knew that's what happened. I knew that's what we signed up for. I knew he wouldn't be with us forever. I knew all this.
But it still was a blow when I was told we didn't have to pick him up that afternoon.
I was told he went with an awesome family. That there was an instant connection with him and the dad. That's great and all, but I still felt deep in the selfish part of my heart that he belonged here with us.
So I dried my tears and went on with my day. I didn't get to say goodbye, but the important thing is he is with his family now.
When we first started this fostering program, I was told I would want to keep every animal I foster. They told me it would be hard, but if I kept that one dog, then I wouldn't get to experience knowing all the other dogs I will foster in the future.
I know this. I felt this way after every dog we've had, but it's still hard not having them here anymore.
Of course I will continue to do this, this is what I was meant to do.
Even though the Tucker chapter closed, there are many more dogs out there that need families that I hope I can help. Until then...

Happy Wednesday,