Thursday, January 27, 2011

Dear self

Dear me,
I have a few complaints.
1. Can you at least tell my body to get on board? I understand how after a miscarriage the body may need a while to "readjust" and heal. However, I think enough time has passed, so please, shape up.
2. Why when you have ample amounts of time during the day, do you not have enough energy? There are so many things I am yelling at you to get done, but yet, nothing happens. You have plenty of time, why not use it?
3. I understand there are things that trigger my sadness. I understand the process of healing. What I don't comprehend is why the littlest of things take me to that one place I don't want to be. Please explain.
4.While I get why at times I am bitter, tell me why I am that one person I don't want to be? Although the bitterness is weirdly comforting,
5. And please help me understand why when I am on the ground, the universe continues to kick me? It's not fair.

Although I am a bit disappointed in you, I will tell you this.
1. Even though you put me through some of the worst experiences I've ever dealt with, it's an experience I am humbly grateful for. It's helped me appreciate certain aspects of my life. And although it was only for a split second, you gave me a glimpse at what being a mom is about.
2.You have brought about in me a strength I have never known. It's a strength that I feel deep within, and it helps me get out of bed and hold my head up. It helps me not only get through a day, but be happy that I'm alive. I have never seen this strength before. I can only assume that it was created when I was at rock bottom to help me stand.
3. Although my body has let me down in the biggest way, it also showed me what miracles it could bring about. I just wish it lasted longer.
4. I appreciate life and certain things in it even more now. Believe it or not, I have the "stop and smell the roses" attitude. And the roses smell pretty damn good.

So you see self, even though you disobey you...you have put me in awe on several different occasions. You are a mystery and at times I cannot figure you out. I just wish you would tell me what is around the corner when I take that turn. Because too many times I have been hit head on and it hurts. It hurts my soul, and I think I deserve a break. I am pleading with you for a break. If you give me that I promise I will surprise you...in a good way. You won't regret it.

Thankful and tiring Thursday,
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1 comment:

Katharine said...

You said it so well. Like you took the thoughts right out of my own head. I actually teared up reading it.

I hope things get back on track for you soon so you can have that healthy baby you deserve!