Monday, August 16, 2010

strength and my current pet peeve

Ever feel like sometimes you just want to stop pretending you are strong? I try. I can't tell if I actually am strong or am really good at pretending that I even fool myself. I actually feel great most days, but sometimes I just hit a brick wall. And all my strength goes out the window. I get anxious, scared, worried, and about 1,000 different emotions. I don't know where I draw my strength from, but I wish I knew so I could have a way of getting it back whenever I see fit. When my strength leaves, I feel tired. Physically and emotionally drained. I write this because I feel I have zero strength right now. Hopefully I will go to bed and wake up ready to go again.

This is a bracelet a friend of mine made me. She made it with me in mind and I love it for that reason. I wear it a lot because 1) I like it, and 2) someone made it just for me. I love it and will cherish it forever.
This said friend gave me so much encouragement and kind words when I was going through my last miscarriage. She knew just what to say to make me feel so much better.
Which brings me to my current pet peeve...kind of. Let me start off by saying that I am so grateful that I feel like my old self again. Even though what I went through was a life altering experience, I feel I have grieved. Yes, I still think about it (naturally), and even though it pains me to say, I have gotten on with my life. I will never forget, but I am doing my best to move forward. With that said, my pet peeve. When I went through my last miscarriage, I didn't go screaming it from the rooftops that it happened. But if someone asked or it was brought up somehow, I shared my story. I had nothing to hide and didn't mind talking about it. I have been asked this question too many times to count now, "When are you guys having kids?" I have been asked this question about 1,000 times since my miscarriage. So I tell them that I had a miscarriage this past spring and hopefully we will have kids soon. And many times the response I would get back is a blank stare, or they would keep talking about something else. I know some of these people heard about my miscarriage from others, so they already knew. But they never once said anything to me about it. I'm not asking for much. Just a simple "I'm sorry" will suffice. I'm not asking to be held and consoled. Just a simple "I'm sorry." Apparently that is too much to ask. Now I know miscarriage is an uncomfortable subject for many, I understand that. But   common courtesy would be nice. Just a quick acknowledgement would comfort me to let me know there is an ounce of decency in there. Ok, now I'm getting mad talking about it =) The more it happens, the more frustrating it is becoming. To me, it's like saying "my mother or father died" and no one saying a word about it, like it didn't happen. It's sad because it makes me question who they are as people, as friends, and I don't like doing that...ok, vent over. Now that I got that off my chest, I can go to sleep now after a long night of work!

Happy Monday my friends,


Infertile said...

ICLW - So sorry to hear of your miscarriage and how people really often have no idea how to respond. Been there many times. Hopefully the more we talk about it the less taboo it is and the more people learn it is a reason to say "I'm sorry for your loss." and pave the way for the next woman to not be faced with the same issue.

You might also find this article intriguing from the NY Times called "Coping with Crises Close to Someone Else's Heart":

Lily The Infertile Mind

Just me said...

People keep telling me how strong I am, and... well, I don't feel strong. They say "how do you keep going?" and I say "What choice do I have?"

Like you, I love my animals, books, wine and photography and have a baby Benji in my life (though he's quickly becoming a little boy!).

Look forward to reading more. :)